I also noticed that a number of these guys would also only persue women who were on the high end of physical attractiveness (or with very particular features) but had nothing in common with them. By strictly limiting acceptable potential partners by upholding strict physical standards, by prioritizing “hot girls” over “nice girls” or even “interested girls” they missed a lot of human connections. Including fun sex.
Comment on Anon goes to therapy
blarghly@lemmy.world 3 days agoI mean, as someone who used to be in a similar sort of position:
- Consider going outside and asking random attractive strangers to have sex with me -> no, that would be weird and rude and unpleasant for them, and that would make me feel terrible.
- Consider going outside and interacting with random attractive strangers in a friendly capacity, getting to know them a bit, then asking them to have sex with me -> no, I would be building the friendship under false pretenses. Revealing my desire to have sex with them would be a betrayal of their trust, and would make me feel terrible.
- Go to a bar or club where people commonly congregate with the intention of finding novel sexual partners -> Everyone seems to already know everyone they are talking to. Also, I can barely hear myself think over how loud the music is. Also, I have a creeping feeling that someone is going to stab me, so I move towards the nearest wall and put my back against it, then look in every possible direction as quickly as possible so I can see the threat before it comes. I talk to no one.
- Go to a bar or club, but drink so you’re less of an anxious wreck -> proceed to get plastered on the cheapest drinks the bar sells. Feeling that I’m going to be stabbed reduces, but this creates more space for my brain to notice that no one is talking to anyone they don’t know. Go home drunk and hating yourself for not figuring this out when everyone else has.
- Hire a prostitute -> No.
- Start online dating account -> get no matches. Max out swipes every day, still no matches.
- Consider getting better pictures for online dating account -> this would be misleading and catfishing. Your pictures should be an authentic representation of who you are.
I’m far past that stage in my life now. But the problem most of these guys have isn’t that they are unwilling to put in effort, so much as it is that they have it in their heads that all the forms of effort that would actually be effective are, in one way or another, morally wrong.
deathbird@mander.xyz 2 days ago
blarghly@lemmy.world 2 days ago
I’ll also admit to possibly falling into this category. But I’m not going to apologize for it. The fact is that no matter how nice or interesting a girl is, if I’m not physically attracted to her, then I don’t want to have sex with her.
And if I went ahead and had sex with her anyway, the sex wouldn’t be fun because I would feel awkward and put off and gross for having sex with someone I’m not actually attracted to - which, through no fault of my partner’s, would then make it bad for her too. Trust me, I’ve tried.
I’m not saying that this is how anyone else’s sexuality works. But it is how my sexuality works, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I’ve heard there are some guys out there who refuse to date any woman who doesn’t look like a fashion model because they have some kind of sense of entitlement about it - this is not me. Those guys should drop their ego, and sleep with whichever women they find hot and enjoyable to be around. But my standards for attractiveness are not about ego - they are about what I find attractive. And once my standards of attractiveness aren’t met, then I am not attracted to a person… sorry.
Not to say that women’s personalities are irrelivant, either. A woman I don’t find attractive for whatever reason can still be a wonderful friend. And if a woman is attractive and has a bad personality, at a certain point it becomes a dealbreaker even for a drunken hookup. And if a woman is attractive and has a good personality, fantastic! I hope she wants to keep hanging out and I hope I can make her cum lots and lots of times on many occasions!
But the reality is, if you have a disposition like mine, you are definitely playing a harder game than a lot of other people. The 'tism + high sex drive + nonmonogamous + straight as an arrow + physical attractiveness motivated combo really just leads to one conclusion - you gotta be hot so the babes will wanna suck your dick, bro!
So I just put the effort into being attractive, and it works out alright.
deathbird@mander.xyz 2 days ago
The bad stuff comes with holding unreasonable expectations and hurting others or oneself to persue them. That doesn’t sound like what you’re doing.
OneWomanCreamTeam@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
Most of that makes sense but
That’s silly. It’s completely normal to try and show your best self on dating sites. Unflattering pictures usually either come off as laziness, or like you’re just so ugly that those ARE flattering pictures. So long as you aren’t using edited pictures, or pictures of someone else that’s not catfishing.
blarghly@lemmy.world 2 days ago
I mean, all of the above points are silly. The issue isn’t the actual percieved constraints - it is the belief that these constraints are real and/or insurmountable.
For example, talking to a random attractive person in a public place because you are interested in them isn’t weird, rude, or unpleasant for them. Well, maybe it’s a bit weird these days, but as long as you are polite and genial about it, it’s the good kind of weird that makes you stand out from the crowd. Of course, you can make the whole interaction unpleasant, but former-me’s problem was that he assumed it would be, full stop.
The fact is that the above list is a list of genuine problems and concerns. But these are problems to be solved, not absolute barriers to action.