Comment on Anon asks out a girl
jj4211@lemmy.world 2 weeks agoI think it’s not so much that he approached a stranger or even that he overheard the conversation, but using his overhearing of the conversation as the whole pretense of asking her out.
“I heard you talking about how you need a date so here I am”
The problems are:
While you don’t expect privacy, it is still kind of weird for someone to explicitly mention that they were an unintended participant to the conversation. It amps up the awkwardness which is the last thing you want if you are trying to make someone comfortable. She may very well be explicitly aware that her conversation was overheard, but it’s something that can be put aside, except it was explicitly brought up.
Further, the rationale makes it sound like he thinks she is doing her a favor. The takeaway is not “you seem interesting/attractive and I’d like to get to know you” it seems more like “you seem like you are in need and I could do you a favor by taking you out”. That takeaway is going to feel like the offer makes her just seem more pathetic, like a “pity date”. Particularly in front of her friends, any whiff of a “pity date” will trigger being defensive.
Of course the story is probably all a fabrication, but taking it at face value I certainly see how it is ‘off’.
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
Yep, his tactics were not on point, gave major creepo vibes.
I fully understand that it was cringe, poorly executed, poorly worded, conveyed desperation and pathetic…ness.
That just directly saying “So I overheard your conversation…” is nearly 100% guaranteed to creep somebody out.
But he did not insult her.
He did nothing threatening.
He didn’t single her out, didn’t use the crowd traffic to pin her, didn’t just literally grab her, didn’t “accidentally” get her surrounded by all his other dude bro friends in a crowd.
I’ve seen dudes do all kindsa shit like that.
That’s rude, that’s threatening.
This guy literally ran away and cried.
On the reverse of that… I myself have been approached by women with equally terrible opening lines and surrounding contexts/situations, conveying desperation being… agonizingly awkward.
Every one of them that I declined, I politely declined, trying to soothe the rejection with some kind of compliment on the way out.
Only time I ever felt threatened or that they were being rude was when when they would not take no for an answer, when they insulted me after I tried to turn them down gently, and/or they literally grabbed me or tried to physically pin me in some way.
This woman was needlessly cruel.
Further, you’re just making up headcanon that he viewed this as a better deal for her, that he was showing some kind of pity to her by approaching.
There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking. Literally nothing.
That’s your fancanon, your projection, your invention.
All he does is say “I heard a woman say she wwas looking for a partner. So I tried to ask her out on a date.”
In fact, what he does say about his mindset indicates the opposite.
It took him 3 hours to work up the nerve, to try to generate the confidence to approach her.
He sat there agonizing about whether or not this would end in disaster for 3 hours, before he tried to pull the trigger.
And sure, yes, we’re this story at face value, could be bullshit or very skewed.
… But I was once this guy.
I mean, younger than these two, but oh lordy were some of my high school, and even early college attempts at flirting cringeworthy, still haunt me to this day.
I just managed to keep trying, and find success as I found my confidence and my own more true sense of personality and style, if that makes any sense.
Beyond that, I’ve wingmanned for guys pretty much just like this guy.
This is an entirely plausible story; its not just plausible, its quite common.
jj4211@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
She isn’t a telepath, it’s not about what he was thinking, it’s a risk of how it may be perceived. Taking offense/getting defensive is not about what was intended, but how it was taken. So if she, even incorrectly, thought there was a ‘pity date’ being offered she might have been overly mean in her reaction.
It’s not about judging, it’s about feedback and offering an outside perspective on facets that could be done better next time. Even if you are thinking this should be a good opportunity for both of you because of her stated problems, don’t bring it up explicitly. It’s clearly something she is likely to be touchy about.
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
I mean, you… said it was… about what he may have been thinking, that was part of what you said.
Why throw out an idea and then just retreat on it?
Meaningless tautology.
Being offended is when someone is offended.
Uh huh.
Yep.
So you’re conceeding the point; this woman was needlessly cruel.
You’re trying to explain her actions.
Sure, yeah, maybe you’re right.
… I don’t care what her explanation may be.
I am describing what she did, not why she did it.
Also, your explanation for her actions just makes her look worse.
“Well, I decided I was being demeaned, for no discernible reason, so I acted like a bully first.”
Also also, stop using hypotheticals to describe her actions.
We agreed we are taking the story at face value, now you’re back to acting like you’re not.
She was needlessly cruel.
Not ‘maybe she may have been’.
She was.
She judged him. Publically. Harshly.
I’m gonna judge her too.
Fair’s fair.
You don’t get to play by two different sets of rules and standards if two people are playing the same game.