Comment on Anon asks out a friend
Wolf@lemmy.today 5 weeks agoThere was an unspoken rule for Gen-X — it was in many ways as you have described here. If you got rejected by a girl… that door was closed. And there wasn’t really room for friendship. If you got burned by a girl, you moved on and didn’t even pretend to like them. Done
I am Gen-X as well. That ‘rule’ might have been true in certain social circles, but it wasn’t a rule among my friends at all. I had lots of female friends. (I didn’t call them females though, I called them women or girls). Some of whom I had turned down in a romantic capacity, some of whom had turned me down, and some of whom were already in relationships or we just weren’t each others type.
It think the difference is all in mindset. I didn’t continue to be friends with the girls who turned me down in the hopes that one day they might change their mind. I stayed friends with them because they were cool people who I liked as people. And I hope at least the same was true for the women I had turned down.
And in the time there were even instances where I did get involved with women I had previously turned down, and with women who had turned me down. None of those relationships worked out in the long run, but we all remained friends afterwards.
I think it’s a problem to have the mindset that being friends with a girl means you are ‘just waiting’ your turn or whatever. Some women are amazing people and worth knowing as friends, it’s not all about sex. In fact it’s probably the fact that I treated my lady friends as human beings that we would end up getting together in a lot of cases. I wasn’t expecting it, or waiting on it, or ‘simping’ or whatever. I was just their friend
wowwoweowza@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Did you find “the one”? Like are you married presently?
Wolf@lemmy.today 5 weeks ago
No, but I don’t really believe in marriage anyway.
The way I see it if you are only with someone because of a promise, that is less special than being with someone because you currently want to be with them. I’ve had several meaningful relationships over the years and have no regrets. I wouldn’t trade any of that for being stuck in an unsatisfying relationship or giving the government control over my personal life like being legally married requires you to be.
I’m a pretty unconventional person though and most of the women I am attracted to felt the same way, with one exception. That relationship ended way too early because I didn’t believe in marriage. The crazy thing is I probably would have eventually married her because it was important to her, but she gave me an ultimatum and I hate being manipulated like that, so I broke it off. The speed at which she got back with her ex bf who supposedly treated her badly tells me that I made the right choice.
wowwoweowza@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Well… depending on how long ago you separated from that partner who tried to pressure you into marriage, you could discover how her decision to return to someone who mistreated her turned out.
And I am glad you did not marry anyone that you think might have led to an unsatisfying partnership.
Marriage is a wild ride. I was an LA punk rocker in my teens and have felt unconventional my whole life… despite that in many ways, my path doesn’t look much like the road less travelled. For me, showing up to parent teacher conferences was richly unconventional. I’ll be honest… I ended up being much more generous of myself than I would have ever pictured me. Marriage does not come without its sacrifices.
Wolf@lemmy.today 5 weeks ago
Unfortunately, a few weeks after we split up she told me that she couldn’t handle being just friends with me and so I left her alone. A couple years later I ran into one of her friends, who told me she moved back home to Kentucky and she had another child with him (he was already her baby daddy when I was with her). Hopefully they are having a wonderful life. As far as him mistreating her goes all she really said about him was that he was mean to her and he had a small penis- so hopefully that’s as bad as it got. I have tried to look her up and despite her having an unusual first name- Facebook wasn’t any help and I’d have no idea how to find her other than that. I have no idea what her married last name would be. It was almost 25 years ago when we dated.
I can see that, and no shade to people who did get married. I used to find the idea of marriage kind of beautiful, until my ‘first love’ and former fiance kind of stabbed me in the back. I suppose in some ways I’m cynical towards the concept. And to be perfectly honest I have struggled with mental illness most of my life and it’s not getting any better- so that effects my prospects romantically. I always said that I’d rather be alone and unhappy than with someone and miserable- so it may have been a self fulfilling prophecy in some ways.
Anyway it’s really cool that you were able to reach inside and find the fortitude to make those sacrifices and make things work out for you guys. That shows a lot of character. A lot of people never find that which is partially why the divorce rate is so high I think.