Comment on Papa I'm scared
Paradachshund@lemmy.today 1 week agoI think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:
“You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.
Zozano@aussie.zone 1 week ago
IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:
He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.
Or,
He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.