Hey there, I’m glad you wrote more in detail and are willing to analyze and process these things. When I read your first comment Wednesday it made me finally make a lemmy account because I wanted to say something supportive but helpful, but I never got around to it.
Your experience with this person really shows that you understand the things that can help you in finding a partner, but just need more “practice” and more being yourself.
Being “your authentic self” is important, and perhaps you were trying too hard to be flirtatious and sexy on the phone/text, and when she met you in person and you weren’t able to back that up, she may have lost that connection. If you had been less flirtatious and more up front about your experience, maybe she would have a different perspective on who you really were.
It sounds like you’re on the right track. It’s lame but if you can follow a pattern with your experiences in person it can help. First date = coffee shop or bar. If it’s going well get ice cream or do something else at a different place. If you aren’t feeling it, call it a day. Mark Manson wrote that if you can take them to multiple places in one day it is almost like having multiple dates. Second date = dinner and something interesting. Third date = invite them over or plan a way to get them into a bed… if she wants you that’s the best time to do make it happen.
Women also like some suspense. Don’t force them to decide on the relationship too soon. "Will you be my valentine sounds like a “I want to define the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend”. She may have been dating around and wasn’t ready for that, but might have been willing to be more casual. Just assume she’d be up for that and plan something and ask her.
Also, when you do get them into bed, my personal tip is don’t rush to the sex unless they are clearly trying to. If you can make her come (read about that kind of stuff), before you even get to the penetration, she’ll be satisfied even if you have no idea how to get it in.
Source: 39, married a tinder date from 8 years ago, virgin until 22, first dates of various qualities in my life.
JackbyDev@programming.dev 1 month ago
My best guess is that she wanted things to be slow emotionally and has baggage associated with Valentine’s day.
SuperSpruce@lemmy.zip 1 month ago
Which is why if I had one moment to change my decision on, it would 100% be this. I f*cked up big-time, and it cost me my heart and lots of hot make out sessions for a stupid lesson.
maks@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
Dude, you couldn’t have known. I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t dwell on it
You did everything right, it just wasn’t the right time or the right person. You’re not to blame at all - if it was an issue on her side, she should have talked about it instead of coldly friendzoning you
Just to be clear, I asked my wife what she thought, and she thinks the same thing
SuperSpruce@lemmy.zip 1 month ago
Thank you so much for your advice! With how little experience I have, it is really tough to not trigger a mine in the dating minefield.
JackbyDev@programming.dev 1 month ago
Stop overthinking it. Unless there really is some additional context you’re not sharing (not accusing you of that, but I try to be skeptical with tales like these, AITA posts broke me lol) then I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Some people just have landmines. Sometimes they know about them, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they realize it was stepped on, sometimes they don’t.
Even if it wasn’t that and she only wanted a passionate fling and you wanted something lasting, this would’ve happened eventually. It’s hard, but try to remember the fun for what it was and don’t overthink this. Self reflection is important, no doubt, but this doesn’t seem like the time.