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I have unresolved feelings of extreme guilt for abandoning my loving ex, for abandoning my sibling when they needed me most, for abandoning anyone who depended on me for support.

I’m okay day to day with caffeine to help focus my thoughts on the task at hand, but sometimes after too many coffees I like awake at night spiralling into my head, living out fantasies of parallel worlds where I abandoned no one and am loved by all.

Writing stuff down helps, but I’ve decided to bite the bullet and go seek actual help.

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Sir_Kevin@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

tend to act unconsciously towards my own self-preservation and interest.

I don’t see that as a fault. One must take care of themselves first, then if possible, take on the burden of others.

Many people do the opposite and tend to everyone’s needs but their own. Then they fall apart at some point, never fulfilled.

You may have codependent friends or family like that skewing your perception of what’s best, causing you all this undue guilt.

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- tetris11@lemmy.ml ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  I do agree with that, but my problem is that I think I’ve been taking care of myself and only myself for my entire life already
  
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Pudutr0n@feddit.cl ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Well that sounds like a lot to handle, tetris11, even with the caffeine and distractions… and those spiralling thoughts at night don’t sound like a picnic either.

I don’t know if you’re a nice person or not, or the quality of the decisions you’ve made. Even if I knew everything you’ve ever done, though, I wouldn’t be qualified to decide that imo. I wouldn’t know what the experience of being you was. I wouldn’t know how you had it. How well or bad you feel. How being in your shoes is.

I’m glad you’re seeking help and I hope it gets you through this… and this is just a thought by someone who knows nothing about you, but maybe you could also, in parallel, try to be a bit compassionate with yourself. Maybe you messed up and maybe you caused damage, but also maybe… just maybe… you were also suffering, didn’t know what to do, were scared, or in pain or mad or whatever. I don’t know… Maybe your needs and circumstances aren’t meaningless in the context of your decisions, you know? Maybe your inner world also matters. I also often experience extreme guilt and you know what it doesn’t do? Help me. At least until I take a determination on how to act in the future… In my case It’s 90% self flagellation. And whatever it is for you, I hope it becomes less painful.

I really hope you feel better and I’m super happy you’re taking the initiative to fight those inner demons. Stay strong and keep fighting to improve! <3

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- tetris11@lemmy.ml ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Thanks, and yeah there definitely is an aspect of self-flagellation, since I’m not sure I want to forgive myself just yet. We’ll see.
  
  How did your Friday happen? Did you friend reach out to you, or did you reach out to them for support?
  
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  - Pudutr0n@feddit.cl ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Well for me it’s been like I deeply hated myself for many, many years with no desire to forgive myself for any of my mistakes. My inner dialogue was complete self hate. So yeah, I get it. You’re not there yet. Nowadays I still am unkind to myself internally, but sometimes I try to listen to the other side of me that made whatever mistake I’m ruminating on. The part that had some kind of need or pain. Just hearing them out a bit. Not justifying or embracing the mistake, just hearing out the circumstance. And it helps me a bit. Still ahve some days where I forgive myself nothing, but those are usually bad days. Sometimes i think it’s just me lashing out on myself cause it’s what I was taught you’re supposed to do when you feel bad. It’s what I saw in my father and what he did to me. Maybe I’m just a piece of shit too, you know? Who knows? What I do know is I become a better person to others when I just listen to myself a bit more. That’s me, anyway.
    
    Friday was weird. I had a work obligation with this friend I’m starting a project with. He’s a person who’s deeply connected with his feelings and others in a weird way. Like, he’s a really good person and takes others into consideration more than anyone I know. He’s suffered great personal loss, which I won’t get into, and deep emotional pain and I think that somehow forced him to focus on what he considered valuable and worthwhile.
    
    Anyway, that morning I told him I was feeling crappy and that we should meet up later in the afternoon to talk personal stuff (to force myself to get out of my apt and my own head, which i don’t always do). When it was time to go out, I felt so miserable about not doing basically anything all week, called him and told him I hadn’t done any progress regarding our project and just wanted to focus on finishing the stuff if that was ok. He said he wanted to meet. I said I’d prefer not to and then asked if he wanted to, and he said that he did.
    
    So I wasn’t willing to go for my own benefit but did because I felt an obligation towards him and didn’t want to be a crappy friend. So I showed up, despite my shame.
    
    We talked. He knows I struggle so he was gentle, but asked what was up. We went through what I was dealing with and he reassured me that whatever I was going through, getting out starts with knowing that there is a way out of my own head and visualizing the feeling of being out. Just knowing what it would feel like would help, he said. He also reminded me a few life lessons I like to forget. It felt really good. Someone caring, you know? Really helped.
    
    I started picking up after myself the next few days. Slowly, but better each day, and feeling a bit better each day.
    
    So TL;DR: I reached out, then backed off, then he insisted I showed up, so I did and it helped a lot.
    
    And yeah, I guess we’ll see about you forgiving yourself. We’ll see how you get there and what it takes, and I truly believe we’ll see the wonderful person that emerges from that process. We will see. We’ll all see. :)
    
    Thanks for asking, btw. <3
    
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    tetris11@lemmy.ml ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    He sounds like a really good friend, patient and understanding.
    
    I like your idea of listening and accepting your thoughts. I distract myself every way and when, and I think it doesn’t help with the processing, so maybe I’ll take a leaf out of your book and maybe just sit and reflect a little and see if I can come to peace with some of my mistakes.
    
    Have a good day, stranger :-)
    
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