How to separate self-worth from Achievements and External Validation?

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• Artisian@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  I think you could try to find a different, new source of self worth to replace it with. It is probably hard to remove something from your concept of ‘self-worth’ if there isn’t anything to replace it with. Adding things to the source also gives you something to focus on/say when you’re next feeling bad about (the lack of) external reward/validation. There are many options, I’ll try to list a few I’ve heard. Perhaps some sound better/easier/more true than others:

  • People are intrinsically worthwhile and valuable. (Some religions assert this directly.)
  • The things you will do in the future. (Seems like toddlers have a lot of self-worth sometimes. I like to imagine this is the source.)
  • The things you want to do.
  • Being able to do things that make you happy. (Can be hedonism.)
  • The things you will never do. (Negative utilitarian, in some sense. You have worth for not being harmful.)
  • Your relationships with others. (Pets count!)
  • The validation and achievements that your communities/tribes have earned.
  • The virtues you have developed. (Stoic.)
  • The difficult things you have survived.
  • You do things in a way that would, statistically, result in achievements and validation. You should value yourself for the expected value, rather than the specifics of today.

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• canadaduane@lemmy.ca ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  How you judge others is how you judge yourself. Practice being kind in your judgment of others, and you will find it becomes natural to be kind in how you judge yourself.

  What you value, praise, attend to in others’ lives is what you value, praise, and eventually attend to in your own life. Be curious about others lives, don’t assume they have it figured out. This will lead to natural curiosity of your own life, and you will find there are many kinds of achievement and each leads to a way to value yourself. (Achievement is not one-dimensional–money & career is only one kind of achievement).

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  • Havatra@lemmy.zip ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    I have to disagree a bit with the efficacy of this method.

    I myself have been told that I’m very understanding for people who try and learn something new, or do something I already know how to. However when the roles are switched, I can’t help but to hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others, and I end up pissing on myself for having such a hard time doing something others seem to have such an easy time with. Personal example is learning a language: I’m such a slow learner, still being A1 after three years, while I have a friend who got to B1 in 9 months. And I keep thinking things like “why do I struggle so much retaining this simple information? I must be putting a weak effort into this…”, while my friends are like “Keep going! You’re doing great!”. I can’t help but consider it mocking, like “aw, it’s adorable that you try so hard, and are still a noob!”, even though that is something neither of us actually think.

    It works well as a form of motivation though, albeit slightly toxic.

    I try to compare myself with my previous self, but that I find near-impossible, for some reason.

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• foggy@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  I mean the need becomes immediately necessary if you’ve ever accomplished anything.

  Holy shit I sound like an asshole.

  Okay, what I mean is, everyone you look up to is just as empty as you. Well, maybe. Sort of.

  The only people who feel sated by an achievement end up has-beens. That never were. And in this esoteric sense, even those that “are”, arent.

  All that mumbo jumbo, I mean, no one is their achievements. And if they are, they’re hollow.

  Okay, so I’m coming off anesthesia and sounding like a guy at burning man. But I’m serious. The bottom line is this

  Your self worth is defined by the process. Not the outcome. And if the process is at a halt due to an outcome, just trust the process. Try again.

  The trying again will give you self worth. Not the outcome.

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  • Havatra@lemmy.zip ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Though the process is also something that is subject to external validation?

    Say I’m learning to drive, but I keep failing the test. The goal/achievement is the end result; driver’s license. However my process of getting to that goal is sub-par compared to others, or “the average”. I’m stuck in the process itself, having many more lessons than others, but I have no apparent reason to struggle? Isn’t that infuriating?

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    • foggy@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨seconds⁩ ago

      In the example, you’re comparing yourself to others, by matter of outcome. And getting upset in the process.

      Instead let’s say you stick to the process. You investigate why you failed. Parallel parking? Okay, fuck that. I’m gonna parallel park my mom’s van 10x a day when I get home from school and not fuck that up next time.

      Now you’ve learned to humbly overcome failure rather than get emotional about comparing your outcome to that of others.

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