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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/racerelationslol on 2023-10-03 14:30:28.

I (25f) have a group of friends (all 24-26, 8 in total) that includes a guy, I’ll call him “Nick”. Nick has a girlfriend, I’ll call her “Josie” (24) and they’ve been dating 8/9 months. Nick introduced Josie to the group about 6 months ago.

Both Josie and I are mixed race, the rest of the group is white. Ever since we met Josie, she’s made really out of pocket comments to/about me concerning racially related things. Things like asking me if/why all my friends are white, questions about my mother’s (African) background, comments about how I do my hair, like how I shouldn’t straighten it. I always try to steer the conversation away from these topics and laugh it all off but she brings it up so often. Nick says she’s just trying to find a foothold in the friend group but I don’t see why she can’t try to get to know me (or anyone in the group) as people rather than just bringing up this irrelevant thing we have in common. I also pointed out to Nick that Josie and I may both be half African but not the same country in africa, it’s wildly different cultures, even if I was raised in an african culture which I wasn’t, it wouldn’t be one similar to hers so really it’s grasping at straws. And that’s to say nothing of the fact that it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, over the weekend we all had a boat day and we were having lunch. We were talking about school and I mentioned that one of the schools I went to had predominantly Asian students. Josie asked if there were any black students in my year and I said yes, but I didn’t know them very well. She then asked if the reason I wasn’t friends with them is because they thought I wasn’t “black enough”. I don’t know if it was that comment or the countless ones before it but I just felt so angry that she would once again take a conversation that everyone was participating in and make it into a race thing for no reason. I said, “no Josie that’s not why we weren’t friends. Frankly the only person I’ve ever met who is obsessed with my racial identity is you. And just so you know, it’s really creepy.” Josie tried to stutter an apology but I said the only apology I was interested in was it not being brought up again, and my bf jumped in and changed the topic.

Nick later took me aside and said I’d really upset Josie and she was just trying to bond with me. He said she has trauma (he didn’t got into detail) about her race and by humiliating her I’d made her really uncomfortable. I told him that that wasn’t my problem and I’m not going to be Josie emotional support “coloured” friend, and if he thought I should be then I wasn’t sure what that said about how he views me.

Nick is now mad at me for insinuating he’s racist and two friends have taken his side. I don’t think I was wrong for wanting Josie to respect me like everyone else but evidently people think what I said was harsh. Was it?