you became general because there was a bright light above the generals cabin next to your hole you normally lurk under beneath the stone at the bend in the river, the general leaned too far over peering down at you while out on a smoke break and fell in and tragically drowned, the peculiar thing was as he was sinking and thrashing about his uniform came off and landed on top of you, the alien enveloping of the sinking garments spooked you and you shot clear out of the water and through the still open door of the cabin right into an austere but plush leather chair behind a monsterously large desk. The next moment the guards rushed in having heard a commotion and were relieved to find the general had only went for an imprompto nightime dip in the river after foolishly slipping and falling in…and to hide it the general had quickly leaped out and returned inside putting on a blank neutral expression as if they weren’t slimey and soaking wet.

Since then you have been doing a great job honestly