I don’t know why, but this reminded me of one of the absolute worst moments of my life.

I was bullied as a kid, and when middle school hit I wasn’t keen on dressing out for gym in front of those bullies. My gym teacher was probably the biggest dick on planet earth and every three days he’d suspend me for three days for not dressing out. I was suspended for most of 6th grade.

My mom had had enough and threatened me, “I swear to you, if you get suspended one more time over a zero in gym class I will throw your Nintendo 64 in the creek. I mean it!”

Guess what my dumb ass did? I left my gym clothes at home. I was fucking desperate and I went around begging everyone I knew, “can I please borrow your gym clothes?” I finally managed to trade a copy of Donkey Kong Country and 10 dollars for a copy of Extreme G and as a bonus I could borrow dude’s gym clothes.

He handed them to me in a plastic grocery bag and I raced off to gym class. That big, tall, bald bastard of a gym teacher said, “I guess it’s time for your suspension, eh Grassman?” “No sir, I’m dressing out!”(He called me Grassman because I forgot my flag football things and used big giant blades of grass).

I ran back to the boys locker room and slid those clothes from the bag. Oh. My. God!

The smell of axe body spray, ass, and armpits hit me like a ton of bricks. I powered through it, put on the nasty ass shirt, and vomited in my mouth. I just couldn’t bring myself to put the shorts on. I was nearly in tears because I knew I was doomed. I put my clothes back on and I could still smell it on me. I walked out and tried to explain it to the asshole. Nope. Suspended.

I really did think my mom was going to throw my N64 in the creek. She didn’t, thank goodness. Instead she got really pissed and called the school. When I got back I was called to the office and the principal asked me to explain why I had been suspended so many times. He then called Mr. Bald asshole into the office and let him have it for suspending me so many times over not dressing out. “You are denying this young man an education entirely because of gym?” I’d love to have been a fly on the wall after he sent me to class.

I happily took my zeros after that and slept on the bleachers. 1st period was my nap period.

I will never forget that smell though. I can still smell it, seriously. It hit me so hard that 28 years later, I can still smell it. Gah.