I started talking to them about my problems and feelings. I don’t talk about my problems with them for the sake of trying to workshop a solution, but rather to share that I’m going through a difficult time. Socially, atleast where I come from, this isn’t something that men normally do.

Let me put it to you this way. You can have a long, entertaining conversation about video games for a few hours with your friends. But at the end of the day when you come home, do you know more about them? I’d argue that you learned more about their thoughts, but you didn’t learn much about their feelings.

I slowly became aware of this fact, after a long time in therapy. A friend would ask, “how do you feel about the election?” And I would respond, “I think politician A is going to win because…”

This is no different than the video game conversation. Imagine if instead I had said “I feel a sense of dread about the upcoming election. I am scared that politican A is going to pass legislation that makes my life more difficult”.

That’s such an awkward thing to say for me, because I’m so uncomfortable talking about how I feel. But the recognition that the wall exists is the first step, and the second is choosing to lead your life differently.

Some of my conversations are “meta” with these friends: “Well, that was an interesting side tangent about steam engines. But I’ve been trying to make sure I check in with my friends more often about how they’re feeling. How are you feeling today?”

And yeah, my friends can sometimes also respond with their thoughts. So I just gently tug it along by then mentioning how I find their answer relatable, because I often respond with feel questions by stating my thoughts, but I am really interested in how they feel.

My friends are quite receptive to this. I get the feeling it’s because all people are craving more authentic connections, but are struggling with saying the vulnerable thing, and not wanting to look weak/stupid. I get it, because I’m the same way, but I’m looking to change that. If you can show them that you won’t judge, possibilities start to open.