Comment on Could we improve men’s mental health?

jbrains@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨years⁩ ago

• Vendetta9076@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨years⁩ ago

  Most men, myself included are so emotionally stunted that before we even begin to go through therapy we literally need to be taught how to feel.

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  • TitanLaGrange@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨years⁩ ago

    need to be taught how to feel.

    And before that you’d need to convince a lot of us that that would be more useful than the current situation.

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    • Vendetta9076@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨years⁩ ago

      Thats something I didn’t even realize was a problem until you just said it. Ive gone through a lot of emotional development and therapy and Im still not completely convinced the old way wasn’t better.

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      • TitanLaGrange@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨years⁩ ago

        It probably comes partly out of the social dynamic that causes the tendency to value men primarily by their usefulness rather than who they are personally. Feeling gets in the way of me getting shit done, earning money to support my family, etc., so I turn feelings off, mostly. I could turn them back on and learn to manage them and whatnot, but if that doesn’t make it easier for me to earn money, fix the house, etc., or worse, actively gets in the way of those things by taking more of my work time or making it harder for me to want to do those things, then I don’t have an incentive to be genuinely emotionally connected.

        Also, evident confidence in one’s ability to handle shit helps to make dependents feel happier and safer, so experiencing uncertainty, fear, and other such emotions tends to act against one’s own interest in getting shit done and avoiding drama that distracts from shit getting done.

        So yeah, it’s kind of a question of ‘who do you want to be?’. Personally, I put a fair bit of effort into suppressing ‘negative’ emotions (fear, uncertainty, sadness, envy) and try to encourage positivity (curiosity, joy, whatever the word for the opposite of envy is (ChatGPT says ‘mudita’, vicarious joy). I figure this tends to blunt some of the more subtle and nuanced emotional states since I’m kind of artificially managing the states, but it is a practice that helps people who depend on me feel stable and safe so they can do the things they want to do, which is important to me.

        Compassion is probably the hardest to manage this way, mostly because it is a response to sympathetic feelings of negative emotions. Like, if I see someone who is sad and I am suppressing my sadness emotions this also has a heavy damping effect on my sympathetic sadness which is what usually triggers compassionate behavior. So I have to kind of manually watch for situations where sympathetic responses are appropriate and ease up on the suppression a bit (but not too much) to allow the empathy to kick in.

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