Comment on Daily discussion thread: Thursday, May 9, 2024
alexisdyslexic@urbanists.social 7 months ago@RustyRaven @briongloid i've seen versions of this on my family and my mother wanted me to fit into this role when my dad died.
My cousin was adopted for this reason inmind basically an indentured servant to her adopted family. She had 4 older siblings with a ton of money that could easily afforded to put mom in a nursing home. Instead she had to do elder care until my auntie passed away from Alzheimer's. No family of her own, worked in retail for a day job to support herself.
RustyRaven@aussie.zone 7 months ago
It looks to be a fairly common situation - hopefully the reddit sub is a self-selected group with a higher than normal number of people in that position, but so many people posting there are miserable and feeling trapped. I went on there looking to get a bit more of an idea of what caring will be realistically like (I’m intending to care for my mother in future) and was not really prepared for the sheer volume of people who are being abused and don’t realise it. I mean I love my Mum, but I would not care for her if it would leave me broke and homeless, and if she develops dementia and starts to scream 24/7 or smear her own shit all over the walls she’s going into a home. No one should be in a position where they feel they have no choice but to live like that.
alexisdyslexic@urbanists.social 7 months ago
@RustyRaven yeah we villianize nursing homes but I've yet to see a situation where elder care turns out to be an actually a healthy relationship between the adult children and thier parents.
I want it work, if I had a better relationship with my mother I'd do more if it.
RustyRaven@aussie.zone 7 months ago
I’m pretty sure the full time caregiver role was by design, often the youngest daughter. But the way everything worked was different back then and most people got assigned roles in life rather than being able to choose. Being a caretaker back then would have come with a home and board, which was about all most people could hope for at that time. Sometimes we have a similar idea happening now - one child becomes a caretaker and in turn inherits the family home. But too often now I think we have moved towards the idea that you (or more often that someone else) should care for someone out of “love” alone and have forgotten that does not pay the bills.
I think a lot of people’s negative attitude towards nursing homes is them mis-attributing their own decining abilities to the place they live, in much the same way some people refuse to go to hospital because “people die in hospitals”. Being stuck at home with insufficient support for your needs can be much worse than the institutionalised care of a residential home. Especially in situations where you are expecting other people to juggle full time work with a caring role being in a nursing home can be a much better situation.
There are definitely some people who have good experiences with caring for parents (which will hopefully be my experience!) but that can only happen if it is a free choice, not one forced on someone through guilt or coersion, and not when it leaves the carer with no resources to look after themselves. The “old maids” in the past would have generally gone on to be cared for by someone else in the family, or perhaps entered the church as a nun where they would have been cared for.
alexisdyslexic@urbanists.social 7 months ago
@RustyRaven yeah i'm the youngest daughter but I don't get along with my mother and never have and now I live 3,000 miles away with my own life.
My cousin was the youngest 'daughter' in airquote because she was adopted for this task in mind. Also there was no family home. They were renting, in Tahoe which is super expensive.
My neighbor did this and she did get the family home but i'm pretty sure her brothers still have say in the matter even tho they didn't do any work.
Gibsonisafluffybutt@aussie.zone 7 months ago
In my culture it’s the expectation of the eldest son.