People have already offered you some good advice and I just want to send hugs and love from a fellow Mordorian.

I think before you start something, you may want to balance your mental state first. Not improving but balancing it would be a good start. I know that would be hard without proper medication and care, but still.

What worked for me was having several days or even weeks off Internet, social media, and being as far away from other people as possible. To avoid drama (you might know what I’m talking about), I would invent some reason to stay alone that wouldn’t raise suspicions in them like having to study or help a friend with some project. Then I would try to focus entirely on my body not thoughts, maybe take a walk or listen to fav bands in a way when you let music replace your thoughts so that it becomes your thoughts.

Actually, this resembles all that meditation shit, and sometimes it helps. Your goal is a detached attitude that you can use to make plans without having to consider any unnecessary feelings.

Once again, you’re not alone, I love you, and more people around are open to love than you think.