“I desperately long for the companionship and camaraderie affiliated with these ice cream socials, but through some cruel form of injustice, I am forced by my body to abstain! If only there were some alternate frozen dessert we could all participate in! But alas! It is plain to see that I am simply not meant to enjoy the finer things in life with my peers, and shall thusly remain in my cubicle, alone, during normal business hours.”