Questions with my BOFH answers when I’m annoyed. And I’m often annoyed.

Q. I downloaded [whatever]. Where is it? A. Wherever you told that dialog box to put it. I wasn’t there.

Q. What’s “any key”? A. It’s any key on the keyboard. Pick at random, or pick your favorite letter if you have one. [note: this isn’t exactly true but I’ve never seen anyone pick CapsLock or some other key that might not result in continuance.]

Q. Why isn’t my computer working? A. It’s not turned on.

Q. Why can’t I run a microwave, air conditioner, and blowdryer off a walmart marine battery in my campervan? A. Because math.

Q. how big is a millimeter? A. It’s a unit of measurement, so a millimeter is exactly 1mm. You can see them as small hashmarks on most rulers. One inch is roughly 25mm, if that helps. (narrator voice: “It didn’t help.")

Q. What time is it? A. [/me, the 8-12 substitute teacher, turns to look at the classroom’s wall clock. I point to it.] The clock is right. Q. What does it say? Q. Well, you might remember that [/me visualizing the sweet nothingness of death or at least a tequila & NyQuil blackout] the short hand shows the hour and the long hand shows minutes.
Q. [dead teen eyes staring at clock, jaw slackening, brain melting] So…. what does it say? A. [reconsiders life choices]