Comment on How can people know what they want at a given moment?
katinahat@sh.itjust.works 1 day agoThe more of your comments I read, the more convinced I am you have severe CPTSD and have existed in a state of dissociation for so long that you don’t know any other way to be. I have a friend who’s exactly the same; childhood trauma (which isn’t always what you think - my friend considered their childhood to be pretty good and didn’t realize how it was affecting them) caused them to shutdown so hard, they never felt any emotions until their 30s and just acted on logical reasoning. They’re in therapy now and have slowly been relearning how to feel and connect with their body’s natural impulses.
AloneDownUnder@quokk.au 1 day ago
I think this might be the case, but how do you even know you are dissociating?
I used to have difficulty talking and still have difficulty remembering things. It’s easier to talk nowadays, but it’s still quite effortful. And I usually talk about generalities rather than my own experience.
I can’t really tell if something happened in the past, but I do know I avoided almost everything. I just stayed in my room for most of my childhood.
I lived with my parents for 30 years. But I don’t really know a lot about them.
I also just used logic for everything I do for most of my life. But I’ve been finding it more and more difficult lately to do anything. I don’t seem to have the will or motivation anymore.
What kind of therapy is your friend doing? I’ve been to therapy before. But I never found it helpful. I tend to just talk about whatever the other person wants to talk about.
katinahat@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
The same way you are now, by realizing other people experience things you don’t, and asking a lot of questions. My friend describes their therapist as “unusual” in that she has good insight into his thought patterns and knows how to explain things so he understands. It can be hard to find a therapist that works for you, but I’d suggest looking for one that is autistic and has experience dealing with CPTSD. The specific treatments that have helped my friend are IFS, learning about psychology/trauma, and having someone safe to openly discuss it with.
AloneDownUnder@quokk.au 1 day ago
I always felt a bit different than most people, and just not sharing experience which seems to be common. But at the same time I’ve heard it’s not really good to compare yourself to others.
I would say all therapists are unusual to me, because they are able to remember what we said after our session. Write a report about it, and continue where we left of in the next session. For me that feels like an amazing ability to have.
I think I’ve never really felt that safe with a psychologist. Especially if they are talking much, I tend to just agree with them and I can’t really think very well at the same time.
It also seems like they have no idea that I’m feeling distressed.
I often would cough and vomit before an appointment, but be relatively ok during (because I’m focusing on the conversation), only to be exhausted afterwards. But none ever mentioned me looking stressed or anxious or anything.
Would be great if I can find somebody who is Autistic and has experience with CPTSD. But I have no clue how to look for that. And I don’t really live close by a lot of options, and traveling far drains my energy fast, so I can’t really do much in the session anymore, apart from sitting there and listening.
I’ve read a bit about IFS, but I can’t even imagine different parts of myself. Seems like very difficult to work on that
katinahat@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
Not gonna lie, it’s difficult to work on all the things you’re mentioning. Repressed memories, out of touch with emotions, unable to think and talk, general lack of drive, chronic exhaustion, isolation. They can be worked on, but it’s a hard process to go through.
You can literally search for “neurodivergent therapist cptsd” in your area and see who pops up, they often list their specialties online. Maybe you can find one that does virtual sessions so you don’t have to travel? You’ll also need to flat out tell them things like “I don’t feel emotions and want to know why” because they can’t always guess what’s going on (or not going on) in your body. Tell them you have trouble thinking during conversation, too. You’re allowed to take as much time to answer, even days, if that’s how long you need to process something. Right now you’re in the habit of automatically doing what you think is expected of you (fawning/people pleasing), but one of the first steps in undoing trauma is learning how to prioritize yourself and your own needs instead. This is why having a safe person is important; when your nervous system is in survival mode (which is probably most of the time for you currently), you’ll just keep dissociating and not be able to think, feel, or communicate clearly.
I’ll send you a DM with more info.
Natanael@infosec.pub 1 day ago
Have your parents always been strict with you? Wanting kids to be “seen not heard”?
AloneDownUnder@quokk.au 1 day ago
Not really.
I don’t remember much but I feel like they were just absent. My father was usually abroad for work.
My mother was working full time and also taking care of me, my sister and my brother. I’m not sure how she managed as I don’t recall there being a nanny or something. I do know that my brother needed a lot of attention though, so my mother was happy she didn’t need to pay much attention to me since I was just sitting in my room and being silent.
Natanael@infosec.pub 1 day ago
Do you have rejection sensitivity?
verywellhealth.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-…