No. You kids and your TikTok and lazy demonology are going too far. Just yesterday there was a goddamn portal open to one of the more superficial layers of The Abyss right in the yogurt section of my local Stop & Shop. Surely it was some 3-year-old in a shopping cart mumbling along to The Lesser Keys of Solomon their mother handed them on their iPad. I had to steal some saffron and cloves from the store to close it, only to find out that the only greek yogurt available was the flavored kind.

I am done.