Comment on [deleted]
rowinxavier@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Hey. Just a quick anatomy check here. A lot of women and other vulva havers have never actually gotten a mirror and image out and mapped their parts to their names. In some cases people have been mistaken, trying to push things inside their eurethra rather than their vagina. This can cause a lot of pain and does not generally result in sexual enjoyment.
Secondly, mechanically, this is supposed to be a fairly wet process. Dry fingers are really good for causing damage, but absolutely terrible for pleasure. They can cause abraisions in the soft tissue and even draw blood without any malice or significant force. Try using a lot, and I mean what feels like too much and then some, water based lubricant. I would recommend KY as a great starter as it is more jelly like than many others and lasts a bit longer.
Remember, if choosing between more lube and less more is always safer, more comfortable, and lower risk. It doesn’t reduce sensation, it increases it, so making sure everything is wet is important.
Water is not lubricant. Water removes all the gel features of lubricants and will dilute and wash away water based lubricants. Silicone lubricants are water resistant and can be used vaginally, but generally people find water based lubricants more comfortable and enjoyable for vaginal penetration.
Also, spend time yourself with the lubricants and a small dildo. Get to know how it feels on your own. A partner is fun, but learn singleplayer before joining a multiplayer game, you need to know what works because your partner can’t feel how it feels for you, it isn’t their body, they need your feedback. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own body, it is natural and healthy and really enhances partner play as well. I guarantee you if you are with a male partner he knows a lot about what his junk needs, so it is a good idea to get that understanding for your own bits.
psycotica0@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
Great comment! Just wanted to pop in as a straight guy and second that it’s very helpful when a partner has things they know they like and can communicate what’s working, what’s not, and what could be better.
But… teen boys kinda suck, and honestly some guys never grow out of it. Remember that they’re nervous and uncertain too, and sometimes that fragile state can receive a suggestion as “telling them what to do”, and can trigger a pride response. It’s not pretty, but it’s not uncommon.
I’m not telling you to lie to them, but sometimes phrasing something as “mmm that’s good. More to the left. Yeah that” can feel more collaborative, like we’re playing on the same team, than simple “do it on the left” or something that sounds more like a cold command. That can sometimes be received as “you suck, you’re fucking this up, just do it right”.
Other potential avenues are “unh that feels so good, ooh let’s try X!” or “hmm… I wonder if X would be good!” to change directions or “okay… wow, you’re going to need to give that a minute” to have them stop something without it necessarily feeling like a stop stop. Obviously if you need a quick stop, you can just say stop.
Or if it fits the mood, even just asking “please go faster”, “please pinch my nipples”, etc can be fun, because it makes it a request he fulfills rather than an order he obeys.
In the end, he probably wants to be good at this, so communicating not just the problem, but emphasizing the success can also be important. “Slower, slower, slower… yes that, oh fuck that, now side to side, oh shit shit shit”
This not only corrects the bad behaviour, but rewards and reinforces the right thing when we get there. And again, it makes them feel like they’re doing well, like they’re giving you something you like, and that we’re aligned and working together on this project.
Oh and also that having been said don’t be too rigid either. You know some things that feel good for you on your own, but some things feel better when someone else does them. And some things take a bit to warm up. And some things are maybe a bit intense at the start, but just right towards the end, whereas some things are good early on and boring later. Hold firm boundaries on the things that are most important, but other than that give him a chance to try some stuff! If it doesn’t work, you can nudge, but it helps him feel like he’s also part of this and not just a sex robot.
Unless he’s into that… 😉