Half the problem with those is that it is SO easy to justify doing things. Oh, your kid turned out well with a decent job/family/friend group? Well, everything you did must have been worth it then!

I ran into that thinking with my grandmother, when we were just casually discussing pre-k in the context of its effects on people’s chances in life. She immediately threw out the classic, “well, all of [your parent’s siblings and your parent] came out just fine, and we didn’t let them start until first grade! Earlier schooling would have doomed them!”

For them, everything was with “a reason,” even if that reason is completely post-hoc. They don’t do ‘X thing’ that is socially inappropriate? It’s because they were spanked for doing it! Spanking is good! They have a good job now? It’s because they were yelled at if they weren’t studying for hours after school! Yelling is good!

And conversely, they don’t care if the person was hurt. In your example of the traumatized man with an eating disorder? It’s his own damn fault. He was always going to turn out that way. He might have even been fat if he wasn’t yelled at!

It’s just sickening. There’s a reason to cut off parents who don’t acknowledge their actions.