Yeah, thats exactly what i want to avoid, things that are good enough that even without being addictive, i want them. I wont even grow poppies for poppy tea because I’m afraid i will become low-grade addicted to it as a result of simply not being in constant pain for a change (fucked up thing to consider, but true as someone with chronic pain). My mom made me promise to keep her oxy after she passed because it was much harder for me to get pain treatment than it should be, but it just made me throw up (same it did to her, but we assumed it was the cancer), so i gave it to a friend who needed it. I know myself and i -really- like escape. It used to be books, as a kid, but now its all sorts of things. Because i can.

Mostly i want things with low addiction (physical or psychological) risk, ideally also somewhat beneficial, and no or very low chance of bad experience, because my brain does that anyway. Also kinda has to be fairly easy to get without a shady middle-man, because i don’t know people and buying shit on tor isn’t appealing to me at all. The hardest thing I’ve done was extacy cut with meth, and i listened to my druggy ex and boofed it (our slang for bum-hole administration, tho i learned later i should have shoved it in my vagina instead, thats way way better for drug absorption due to the sheer quantity of blood vessels and the moist environment, to the point that it used to he a common medical application in hospital). Honestly, i loved it, and would exist that way forever if i could. And thats the problem. I’m glad i don’t have easy access to it now. Id like to use it again in controlled therapy settings, as long as they’ve got some good beats and highlighters on hand. But as a result of using it, techno gives me anxiety now. Used to really love it. So even in mild ways the best of things can fuck with you.

I don’t really struggle with drugs other than alcohol (and thats a weird one because i just fall out of use, same as weed, after months or years of heavy use), but thats mostly because i don’t use anything else particularly addictive because i don’t trust myself. Actually, because i know what I’d do. I seem to fall out of alcohol use when my mental state improves to the point i don’t need a crutch. But until then, its bad. Ngl. And weed just stops being fun periodically, so sometimes i take years-long breaks even though it’s good for my pain.

Im super interested in drugs, though. Like genuinely id love to try them all with no risk. I used to read bluelight just to imagine how it felt. I want VR to work for me because that feels like a mild trip (makes me hella nauseated, so no dice until holodeck exists).

Im glad you’ve come out the other end of it reasonably intact, sounds like :) And thank you for sharing your experiences with me, for my edification :) i genuinely appreciate it. If you want to share more, even about other substances, id be interested in reading it, to live vicariously through you :)