they has laser eyes, acid breath, a thick chitinous carapace, a saddle for believers to ride them, can regrow limbs because crab, five simultaneous genders (because crabs have convergently evolved five times. pagan god of convergent evolution what i made up) and invites us all to partake us their delicious delicious flesh (which as i stated earlier, regrows). lactates butter from one claw and garlic butter from the other.

how to worship: go to the ocean or nearest body of water or body of water in your soul, find a crab shack, get a crab sammich, and eat the crab sammich. Notice how much better that tastes than Jeezits? Worship through joy in food. crab if you can get it. If you are allergic it is Crab God’s…? Idk i haven’t figured that part out yet. Artificial crab is Crab God’s blessing to the unwashed masses. Our god tastes better than your god praise be.

we do the wheel of the year and have a couple other extra holidays like pie day (my favorite uncle died then so it’s special, not because of pies), and you can eat eggs but no other bird products because i don’t like poultry and it’s my religion i made it up. just had easter (ostarra) last week, we gathered flowers to put in all the rooms in the house and made some holy water and had a tea party. (also my band played at the christian church i play at but like, that’s work). main tenets are based off of Bill and Tedism (all of the cults i’ve started are based off of Be Excellent to Each Other, Party On, Dudes. Only real sin is intentionally being an asshole. Because I struggle with that.).

I have yet to write scripture but this is the first cult i’ve started that felt real to me. it’s so absurd i love it. but there are four of us Crabgodians now!