Oh! I know this one! I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist. This is the part where the drunk rants for hours about how unfair the world is and how they’re the real victim.

You’re not special. You sound exactly like every other “functional” alcoholic right before they end up on the news for killing a mother of two, with a sad faced mugshot, lip poked out like they’re the one who got hurt.

But hey, what would I know? I’m just a funeral director. It’s not like I have to deal with the aftermath of people like you, right?

And you’re right—it’s totally unfair to expect you not to drive your drunk ass home. It’s not like you could drink at home, or get a ride, or call an Uber, no! You have to drink and drive. Anything else would be unreasonable.