So, you have two goals: where to live and what to do.

For where to live - right now I live in Colorado. Colorado has one of the most sensible and competent state governments I’ve encountered. We have universal mail in ballots, decriminalized weed and mushrooms, and don’t waste tons of money building 20 lane highways (relative to other states). But importantly, the state of Colorado provides income-based assistance for purchasing health insurance. You plug in your anticipated income for the year into the state’s website, and it lists insurance plans you can buy at a state-subsidized rate. This year, I am paying $3 per month for health insurance. Plus, the Front Range has a very mild climate that is mostly comfortable most of the year, but you still get all 4 seasons, and we have beautiful mountains and no Mormons.

Wanting to buy a house makes things trickier. As a queer person, you probably want to live where you will feel comfortable and accepted. And as a not-rich person, you will want to live where you can get a job. These two requirements mean you will probably need to live in a metro area, which means owning your own space will be expensive. And the most queer-friendly places are often the most expensive places to live, since prosperity breeds liberalism. So, you probably need to make some money.

Your lack of ability to organize and plan will be a major hindrance here. I would suggest simply moving and picking up some straightforward dumb work to start off with. Just find somewhere you want to live, get any job, and start living a happier life first. I know around here it is easy to get work selling solar, setting up concerts (seasonal), logging (seasonal), or hanging Christmas lights (seasonal). The good thing about these jobs is that they fit your requirement: boss gives you a task, you do that task.

Mid term, I would highly suggest working through the issues you are describing directly. Executive function and people skills are probably the two biggest factors in getting higher pay in literally any field. If you can get those two things to an at least decent level, you could get a job developing software. Or else I have a friend who clears six figures tutoring college students in physics and math.