Well that sounds hard as hell. Sorry, MoreFPSmorebetter. Really sorry. And umm… can relate. A whole lot, actually. Like, your issues sound so much like my own it’s nuts. I feel deeply represented by your struggles.

I also try to keep maximum honesty and try to let people in, but it feels like part of me just won’t open up to trust, no matter how hard I try and truly want to be seen by someone. Anyone, sometimes. It’s like There’s always an emotional tightness inside me somewhere that is clenching on something intimate, for some reason, and will not let go for anything. Like part of my heart is for no one. Not even myself. It is only to be hidden and locked in at all cost.

Your post actually gave a lot of insight into my own condition, so I appreciate you sharing and I think I’ll benefit from your story. I wish I could offer something in return, but beyong hearing, relating and knowing what it’s like I have no tools or solutions that help with the core issue. If I did, I probably would be out enjoying my life instead of trying to feel better about myself and exorcise my deeply rooted shame by trying to help strangers have it better here… So I guess, in some weird way, something good is coming out of all my bs, for someone at least.

Despite your issues being unresolved and causing you pain, I don’t think your progress is meaningless. It gave me insight, anyway. If anything but that, it’s something I’m grateful to you for. Thanks for helping me introspect.

I guess what I really feel is that the future is uncertain for those like us, but I know I become a better person when I have hope for myself. I treat myself and others more kindly and carefully and with more consideration… Even if they never get across the wall, I make my best efforts to throw them things that might be useful to them from behind it. I really do.

I eat my sadness away too and have been doing so the last few weeks, and i’ll tell you something… It hasn’t helped. The void’s still there. The situation doesn’t change. I just feel more guilty and more ashamed, only with a full stomach.

I think I’m gonna go get something healthier to eat now. It’s way past lunch time and I’ve been starving myself. Thanks for the reminders, please treat yourself with more kindness and umm… idk… good luck. I sometimes have faith in myself, so I can definitely have faith in you.

Some day we’ll tear down the wall. Some day.

Thanks for sharing. <3