My name is his, my last name means he who supplants.

I do not feel I am god, nor that I am Jesus. I just want to be. Since 8 I wanted to be a buddhist. At my age now, I just want to find meaning in the madness I witness.

The only meaning seems simple, a stoic life. An ancient philosophy, far beyond mine. I regularly use weed and it’s how I was allowed time to meditate. I felt i could control my thoughts finally, and all I see is to be kind.

Now my dependency is ending, for I have found what I want to do. I want to help people, the only thing I wanted as a child. I was just too afraid.

I regularly drink, eat and sleep. I am happy with my life and this is not ego, narcissism, or anything. I feel shame, for I feel unworthy, incapable. The only thing I have is my name, my part in the script the world orients.

An act most heathenous and self righteous.

I appreciate your input. As I know these things and it is nice to reflect and put these thoughts to writing. It is why I asked here, only social forum I can see genuine interactions.

I do not feel I am god, or Jesus. I am me. Think more the eastern philosophy of upbringing. How you raise someone, with a set of expectations of beliefs and ideas. Eventually someone will roll the dice, in the right storm to form. Every person is unique for this very reason. It’s why I fear, I do not want to forfeit my life, my comforts, for this. I am content, however I find it inexcusable to take my wants over those of the ones I encounter.