I have to tell you what calories are, because it sounds so incredibly unhinged.

Calorie is a physical unit of energy. For food, calories are measured by removing all water from the food, turning it into powder, enclosing it in a metal container, submerging said container in water, measuring the temperature of the water, then setting the food on fire, which causes it to explode, and measuring the temperature of the water again.

By taking the difference between the temperature measurements, you can calculate how much energy the food released when exploded and that is the foods calories.

So calories basically tell you how explosive a food is.

What does that have to do with anything? Who knows.