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The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/OwlOdyssey on 2025-12-30 03:55:44+00:00.
It’s been a rough few weeks years for fans of the Maize and Blue. Scandals and disappointments all around. The term the “Michigan Man” (which is rooted in similar things) has taken on a whole new meaning. The men running this program have proven unable to act with grace and respect. This is how we get to my suggestion.
In 1924, Fielding H. Yost, a Michigan legend, decided that the team needed live wolverines to be our mascot. He had seen the live badgers at Wisco games and wanted his own predator in a cage. It took him three years to get the living thing (after parading around a stuffed version), but sure enough he would get Biff and Bennie to be paraded around the stadium. Yet this led to complications with Biff biting people through the bars. Now, the whole cage and parading thing feels inhumane 100 years later, so I suggest something different after a bit of context.
Did you know that Michiganders are called “Wolverines” because outsiders saw us as uncivilized and fierce? Some say the name came from Ohio during the Toledo War? This almost bloodless war (dude got stabbed with a pen), is said to be the start of rivalry between Michigan and Ohio. A hatred that would go on to form the vitriol you see at the Game every year. Others say the name came from George Custer during the civil war. They say he called the brigade from Detroit the “Wolverines” because they were ruthless and uncouth.
All this to say is that Moore and co are acting like the accusatory ideal of uncivilized Wolverines. Sure, they’re embracing the given name, but this isn’t the modern goal of those in Ann Arbor. We want a school that can see our players do well on the field and in the class room. We want people who behave themselves when playing the game and living their life. We want that blue blood honor. Yet here we are.
So how do we fix this? Bringing back the live wolverine. Sans cage. If these grown men are going to act like a wild animal, we introduce them to Biff. Let Biff be in charge of these dumbasses. Not to instill fear by setting an example, but to demand respect. Like a true Wolverine. No one is going to mess with a Wolverine because they know it’s power. It’s something Michigan could aspire to. Something they can achieve after all the really awful shit Moore and others did.
‘But Owl, the original Biff is dead’, you say. Yes, I say, but the first biff was a taxidermied wolverine before the real guy. Heck, we technically have a Biff already coaching our team for the bowl; he’s just lacking on the vicious predator front. Bringing back Biff in his true form (maybe Animorphs Poggi?) is the key to success.
Sure Brutus can do the cursive ‘Ohio’ in snow, but can he emit a foul odor to mark his territory? Can he battle a grizzly bear? Can he live in harsh winter environments? Didn’t think so.
