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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/HoneyBadger302 on 2023-10-06 13:52:43.
EDIT: thanks for the replies so far, it’s been a great reminder of things I “knew” years ago but have let slide since distance was making it easy to do so. My answer will definitely be “No.” I will offer what I am willing to do (with very clear boundaries), but will avoid trying to be “tactful” since that always leaves room for attempted negotiations.
For context: while I love my mother, she is toxic for me to spend too much time with. She had emotional blackmail nailed down long before I was born, and she’s also a very needy person emotionally and both of those are things that I cannot handle well in large doses. I’m in my 40’s, and creating distance and boundaries has allowed our relationship to do well.
She is not happy where she lives, and WAS talking about “eventually” moving closer (like in 5-10 years, when she needs more assistance). I was open to the idea, since my finances should also be in a different place and I’m hoping to be able to get her some good support and be close enough to spend time with her regularly.
At no point was I open to having her live with me. Of course she has never really owned her behavior, other than to turn that into a guilt trip for sympathy (no, her life was not great either).
Now last night she asks if in the next year of she and my nephew (who is Asperger’s, turning 18, and they fight constantly) sell their home if they could “move in with me and pay rent until they could find a place?”
Mind you I JUST bought my first home. It is 3 bed, 2 bath, but one of the rooms is my office as I have a day job AND run a business that is just about a second full time job. It’s me and my pets and I work my butt off to have some peace and go enjoy my motorcycles and racing and hiking…now I’m not even moved in, and she’s asking to move two adults, two extra dogs (I already have two of my own), and all of their crap into my 1300 sf house “until they can find one.”
Thing is, I know my mom, and I know the local housing market, and they’ll never find one in their price range and I’ll end up with the roommates from hell that I never wanted.
I’m trying to figure out how to say no without being a complete jerk. Offering to maybe check out houses on their behalf, or something along that line. If they sold and were closing on another place, a few weeks I could deal with, but I already know if I open the door to them living here “until” it’ll be “forever” because there will be no motivation for her to move on.
I don’t want to put myself in this position, nor will I, but I’m not sure how to say no without sounding like a jerk. No matter how I say it she’ll take it that way, but some ways of saying the same thing do ease things a bit.
And yes, of my mother “asks” something like this, it is never with her being open to “no,” her asking is just a formality :/