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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Kind_Prior6775 on 2023-10-05 15:38:29.
I (38f) am a mother to my biological son Kai (10m) and a stepmother to my husband James’ (42m) son from his first marriage, Luca (12m).
This subject has been the source of some arguments in our family so looking to get some honest opinions!
James and I have Luca every Thursday, every other weekend and parts of school holidays. Luca’s mother remarried a man who is a lot wealthier than us and so the kid has a lot of nice stuff, designer clothes, games consoles, goes on fancy holidays with them etc. We aren’t on the poverty line by any means but times are tough and we don’t have a lot of disposable income right now.
This December I want James, Kai and I to go on holiday because we haven’t been away at all this year. James wants Luca to come because he thinks it isn’t fair if Kai goes on holiday and he doesn’t. However Luca has been on fancy holidays abroad twice this year with his mum and stepdad, and we would struggle to afford flights, meals etc for a fourth person.
We didn’t really argue about this as I think if James can find the money then Luca definitely should come, but it’s more about this perceived ‘unfairness’ that I think isn’t true. Because by that logic it’s ‘unfair’ on Kai that he didn’t also get to go on three holidays this year. (I don’t think that’s true, I’m just saying that logic cuts both ways)
The ‘unfairness’ rose its head last week again though when I bought Kai a Nintendo Switch because he did really well at school, and I didn’t have the money at the end of the school year but I do now. James said to get ‘big presents’ for one child and not the other was again ‘unfair’. It didn’t seem to matter that Kai’s was a reward (and that Luca has a Switch already anyway), but that I “can’t treat them differently”.
James gave another example that I occasionally take Kai to the cinema on a Tues/Weds (we have 2-for-1 tickets on Tues/Weds with our car insurance) but not on a Thursday when Luca can come. This is “treating them unfairly” even though it’s purely a ticket cost thing - cinemas are so expensive if 4 of you go! (Of course, Luca goes all the time with his mum and stepdad…)
So now I’m a “bad stepmother” because of these examples… and I’m so frustrated by it. I love Luca and I’m not trying to exclude him at all, but our kids are in different situations and surely it’s ‘unfair’ on Kai to not do nice things for him if we can’t necessarily do it for both every single time. James has been quite nasty (he has a bit of a temper) suggesting I’m not happy to have Luca as my stepson, when that isn’t true at all. AITA?