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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/BackgroundAd7040 on 2023-10-01 23:33:11.
I’m white, (Italian, Polish, Jewish) my kids are multiracial, (White, Black, Native American). My hair is maybe 2c I guess, like loose spirals and I’ve had people “boing” it, it’s a little aggravating, but I usually go with it. I get a lot of “Jew Fro” comments from all kinds of people, I can tell when it’s lighthearted and when it’s not. But I’ve always knocked people’s hands away when they go for my kids much curlier 3a/3b hair, or give them a piece of my mind if they do it because then there’s a racial component to it.
Anyway I was at the grocery store with my eldest. We live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. An older Black woman smiled and said he had lovely hair, and reached out to touch it while I was saying thank you. He angled his head away and she stepped closer, saying she just wanted to feel how soft it was and I said he didn’t like people touching his hair. She kept her hand outstretched and looked at me confused (which made me feel bad), and said she just thought it was really pretty, and kept trying to touch it, even though he was clearly very physically uncomfortable. I said again that he just doesn’t like it, and a Black man behind us interjected and said it wasn’t a big deal and “white people touch OUR hair all the time”, then two other people chimed in, all while my son looked like he was going to cry because the woman petted his hair anyway while three people were telling us how rude we were being to her.
After we got home I apologized to him for not physically stopping her, but I felt like I wasn’t able to or people would turn it into something else like they already were. I can’t grab a tiny elderly Black woman’s hand and forcefully tell her no without being treated like the aggressor.
I understand that white women touch Black women’s hair without asking, and that the microaggression is painful to deal with, but I’m not sure why I’m always made to feel like it’s horrible of me to tell Black women they can’t touch my kids hair. It’s literally the same entitlement, the same treating a person like an animal, and also making me feel like I’m not allowed to say no.
Edit: someone in the comments accused me of lying because I “described a crowd of Black people surrounding us”, but I didn’t. I said we were in a grocery store. Sometimes there are multiple people in aisles or sections. We were front and center in the produce section at the front of the store, I’d honestly be surprised if the drama went unnoticed. It’s the only grocery store in the neighborhood, it’s obviously gonna be pretty packed