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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/No-Yogurtcloset3425 on 2023-10-01 09:45:32.
AITA For giving my wife an ultimatum?
I (37m) have been married to my wife (36f) for 14 years.
We got married young, while we were both at uni. We both wanted a ‘traditional’ marriage in that she would be at home and I’d go to work.
I progressed well, I’m a high earning professional with lots of disposable income, I pay all the bills, the mortgage, the holidays, the gifts (naturally given I’m the earner) but therein has been the issue, her end.
We’ve constantly had this problem, past ten years, where I don’t feel she holds her end of the bargain up. When I was grafting to progress, I’d be up at 6, she would lay in bed. I might have some lunch to take, maybe not. I’d come home, dinner often not made. She wouldn’t handle any bills, no paperwork done by her. Cleaning she would do, but clothes left unironed. So often I’d end up buying dinner, ironing my own shorts. We had no kids and she had no other responsibilities, no work, no studying.
After a while I suggested, that the situation wasnt working and that either perform home duties or we split everything 50/50. She opted to work, stating she didn’t want to be a housewife.
She got a job. Two problems arose. Firstly she stil didn’t contribute to paperwork, I had to physically and mentally handle all bills and outgoings. Secondly, she wanted to live a lifestyle well beyond HER means, i.e. still relied on me financially. We would have regular bust ups, I’d say you need to do more of organising, she promised she would but never did. When it came to buying a house she wanted, she did next to zero work, from dealing with the agents to finding the mortgage.
Then we had a baby.
Looking back now, I should have divorced her before and not decided to have a baby, now I feel stuck.
Now she doesn’t work, she’s a stay at home mum. She’s struggling with our daughter and maintaining the home, so I got a maid, who for the past three months has been doing all the cleaning, washing and ironing. Our daughter is now almost 2 and doesn’t sleep independently because my wife doesn’t attempt sleep training. I still often make my own meals after coming back from work. I eat a specific diet, I have to cater for that myself in terms of buying and sourcing ingredients, she takes next to zero interest. She has no plans on returning to work. I’m still paying for everything.
The problem as I see it, there’s a mismatch. My wife has high living expectations but next to no drive to achieve it.
What I expect from her, and as I’ve made abundantly clear for many years but I’ve finally said it’s this or divorce. She needs to take pride and work hard in hosuewife, cook new things, cater for my diet, take interest in the running of the house from a paperwork point of view. In return I’ll pay for everything as I have been, the 6monthly foreign holidays,her jewelry, her clothes and we can continue to have a maid. But if she doesn’t, as soon as our daughter is school going, i.e.next year, then it’s finished. So AITA?