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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/throwmeaway03827 on 2023-09-27 18:44:48.
My ADHD husband either gets extremely angry and says hurtful things when we’re in a disagreement or he’ll completely shut down and not speak to me for a whole day.
I have anxiety and an anxious attachment, but I try everyday to work on it. We recently had an argument and he texted me after and said he needed space for the rest of the day and stopped talking to me, but then the next day acted like all was well.
We spoke about it and he says it’s my job to deal with my anxiety which I totally agree but the issue is that nothing is ever resolved or fixed unless I come back to him and start the discussion. It goes:
Argument….Extreme anger…yelling things he doesn’t mean OR complete silence for a day….then back to normal like nothing happened.
There’s no resolve or communication about the issue that happened unless I initiate and even then I’ll just speak about how I’m feeling he gets super angry again. There’s no way to communicate with him.
I’m so tired of feeling like asking to have a healthy communication is like pulling teeth. He says it’s better that he shuts down cause the alternative is him getting angry and saying things he doesn’t mean.
But the main issue is that he gets defensive and has anger problems. His RSD is out of control. He refuses meds and just smokes weed so much so that he admits it’s an addiction. I’m in individual therapy and he used to be, but stopped going. My therapist recommended couples counseling but I feel like he’s just going to manipulate the counselor or “be good” for them and I’m gonna end up looking like the problem.
For context: We went to pick up our groceries and they left out some our items. The worker that dropped them off raised his voice at my husband and that’s when he started taking it out on me. Before we go in to the store he says “let ME do the talking” I went to the trunk and told him to write down the items we were missing and he said “it’s more efficient if we write down what we have instead” and I was like “no just write down what’s missing” because then we could be sure we wouldn’t leave without what was missing after they hopefully brought it out and he goes “fine we’ll do it YOUR way” and we get in there and I asked which desk he thought to go to and he said “idk this is all you since you want to be in charge” and then just stopped talking to me.
We actually had a conversation afterwards about what happened and he said that he took control of the situation because he saw me “shrinking in my seat and getting anxious, but if I feel like my anxiety is getting better and I can handle more situations then I can by all means do that”. But I wasn’t anxious at all during the grocery thing. I only started to get upset when he said “let ME do the talking” and raised his voice. I feel like he’s manipulating me. And I just need some 3rd party advice.