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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/QuietContest9708 on 2023-09-27 08:12:10.

Title sounds horrendous. I’m not even sure myself if I(34F) feel bad because I’m the AH, or I just feel bad for my ex(44M). It’s from a while ago but still bugging me. I’m sorry it’s so long.

In an attempt to condense why we broke up: we were together for ~8 years. He had major spending issues. Collectibles, appliances, gadgets, you name it. I felt like I was drowning in a hoard (and debt) of stuff. Every argument we had, I somehow ended up comforting him without a resolution. We weren’t having sex, he was addicted porn. SO much more, and we brought out the worst in each other. We also had fertility issues that we could never save up enough to treat.

I was depressed for a long time, and one night when he asked me why I was avoiding him, I let it all out. He got very defensive, and I again somehow ended up comforting him. I stayed up all night crying because I couldn’t stand it anymore, and in the morning he asked me why didn’t come to bed, then said “what if I’d had a heart attack?”

Folks, this was the exact moment I knew I probably wanted to get a divorce, because it was a slap in the face of an example of his self-centredness. As if he couldn’t have had a heart attack the million other nights he slept on the couch while I was upstairs alone.

He doubled down by blaming my best friend for “poisoning” me (even though she was trying to convince me to work it out), sent flirty messages to another good friend within a week, and made a very cringey comment about dating my mom. All of that was enough for me to know we were done, but the icing on the cake was finding out he had almost immediately joined dating sites (and soon upgraded to premium memberships) all the while expressing to me that I was his world, he’d do anything to make it better to get back together.

Shortly after my ex moved out, an online friend (35M) learned I was single and started getting flirty. I casually flirted back, but when I found out my ex had joined dating sites, I allowed this new fling to progress. I figured, why not? If my ex feels ready to move on, why can’t I? We met up twice, and I know that it was wild and dumb (and wonderful), but I found myself pregnant on that second visit, around 7 months after my ex and I separated.

My ex now hates me, spent at least the first year+ trash talking me (because of course I blindsided him during our happy marriage) and this has been bugging me for years. The professionals I have confided in about this say that I shouldn’t feel guilty, as his outcome was never my responsibility, but I can’t shake the guilt that I got my happily ever after and he’s still alone and likely forever childless.

I’ll totally own that I was dumb and irresponsible for getting knocked up, but AITA?