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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Designer_Oil863 on 2023-09-24 21:09:47.
My brother asked me and our other siblings for our honesty last week. This was not out of the blue entirely but none of us were sure if he would actually ask or if he would just vent about his circumstances. We had already discussed things in depth with each other before and knew we were on the same page. But our brother was never around for this. When the question came to us I was the only one who was willing to answer.
Background: My brother was married and had three children with his wife. Sadly she died when their youngest was only 4 months old. The older two kids were toddlers. He was single for a good decade and focused on his kids and then he met his current wife Kat. Kat was a widow, though a more recent widow, and she had two kids with her late husband. All the kids were 11 or older when they met and my brother and Kat became a more serious couple. The kids were fine with the adults dating but expressed they did not want to be a blended family. So my brother and Kat made the decision to marry, live together, but they would not be a family. My brother would take care of his kids, Kat would take care of hers, and they could interact or not. No pressure.
It was an unusual dynamic and they never did mix or integrate more. The kids stuck to their bio siblings and parent and did not build relationship with their stepparent or stepsiblings. But it worked in a way most would find crazy. The kids were happy. My brother and Kat were happy.
When the kids got married, their bio parent had their spouse as a plus one and they were treated as a plus one and not family. None of the stepsiblings were invited and spouses were not in the family photos.
Sadly Kat lost both her kids in early 2020. I believe this has led to where we’re at now.
My nephew and his wife are expecting their first child together and my brother and Kat wanted her to be grandma to the child because Kat’s kids will never be able to give her grandchildren. My nephew said he didn’t want that and he didn’t want the dynamic to change.
My brother vented to my siblings and I about this a few times. Then he asked if we thought it would change and whether it was surprising that this happened. I told him I did not see it changing and the dynamic made it unsurprising. I said Kat is a casual acquaintance to the kids at best, just like he was to Kat’s kids, and I never thought they would be grandma or grandpa to the other’s grandkids. I said I did not feel like Kat’s kids would have allowed him to be grandpa if the roles were reversed. I said that was the dynamic they set early on and it has been that way for almost 20 years and it’s unlikely to ever change. I knew my brother might not like it and I was right. He told me nobody expects to lose all their kids and to have grandparenthood taken from you. He also said I made it sound like his and Kat’s fault. Our other siblings defended me but my brother said I went too far and let me know that a couple of times during the week as well.
AITA?