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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Pooping_Willow on 2023-09-23 07:39:16.
I 27(F) met 24 (F) off of tinder for our first date today. In my opinion, the date went really well at first. We had lots in common, sense of humour, life goals, she was also a light smoker, and I genuinely felt a connection I havent for a long time.
About a hour into the date, i stepped outside for a smoke. On my way out i chatted a bit with the bartender and he asked how long we have been dating and i said its our first date. For reference the bartender didnt speak more than 5 sentences to us when we first sat down although i saw him look at her more than me. She definitely couldn’t have missed he was checking her out.
When i returned she told me the bartender asked for her instagram and she gave it to him. I saw her instagram, there are no photos on her page but her profile photo was a cute photo of her and she has several hundred followers and followings. It was definitely an active account she use for messaging.
I asked why she gave her contact details to another man while on a date with me and she said she did it because she feels safer giving it away and ignore than to say no. I asked if she thought it was disrespectful to her date to give her real contact info (a method for a strange man who knew we were on a date but nonetheless shot his shot to connect with her) and she said she can see how it appears disrespectful but she did it out of habit and for security and hoped i can see from her point of view.
I told her this was a red flag because she could have easily just said “sorry im on a date and im not interested”. I felt like the excuse she gave was bs. I have been hit on by male staff while on dates before. The male staff has always backed off when i said “im not interested im on a date” and the odd times they haven’t, ignoring and reporting to management has always worked. Plus there were at least a few dozen patrons at the restaurant so what did she have to fear from the bartender? It wasnt like a random man was hitting on us on the street!
I told her that i want a woman who can stand up for herself and i can trust to have my back and who respects me enough to not connect with strange men while on a date with me when im not looking. I know this is only the first date but shouldnt the first date be where you put your best foot forward? I dont think im too possessive or controlling or insecure. I dont care if she dates other people since we just met but is it too much to ask to want to feel respected as a person and for my time?
Shortly after that i told her I must get ready for my early shift tomorrow. She sent me a message later saying she hopes i can understand and she really did do it because of habit and safety. And tbh the whole evening left a sour taste in my mouth. I have not replied yet.
Am i in the asshole for cutting the date short because I felt disrespected by her actions?
Edit: Why is everyone lecturing me about the hardships of women when I am a woman and i am fully aware of it?! I know how we curve men in ways to maximize safety. I can confidently say the overall atmosphere of the restaurant and the bartender was very relaxed. At no point was the bartender’s vibes off or pushy before and after my absence which is why my bs meter was ringing.