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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/mantecaremama on 2023-09-21 18:58:49.
I’m asking here because I know a lot of other women feel this way about their romantic male partners watching porn. This came up recently because of a few things. Been with my bf 2 years and he’s generally a good guy and great fit for me. My biggest issue is I want to spend more time together but he’s been working a lot of overtime and hasn’t had many weekends off for quite awhile. Occasionally he won’t reply to my texts when he isn’t working and it makes me worry and hurts my feelings because sending a text takes no time or effort. (Skip to the bottom with *** if you don’t want to read the background, I know it’s long I’m sorry).
I regularly drop him off homemade meals he can just heat and eat or I buy him groceries and stock his fridge/pantry or just bring him other snacks. No I don’t ask him to pay me back for any of that either. So I’m at his place while he’s gone at work sometimes, which he knows. I became a little paranoid about the not seeing each other and not replying to me even when he did get a rare weekend off so I started checking a drawer he has with condoms and lube he bought for us awhile ago. We don’t use either so I thought something was going on if they were getting used.
I asked him about the lube getting used previously because we weren’t using it together and he admitted he was using it alone. So I’m like okay that’s fine. But I have a lot of insecurities around heavy porn usage especially since I don’t know what kind he’s looking at. I’ve asked semi leading questions about porn related things like I offered to try new things together if he had seen anything interesting while alone. He said he didn’t look at that much or something along those lines because he’s too tired from work and he uses all his energy with me (paraphrased).
Well recently I figured out he’s got a sock system. So more or less I now know exactly how often he’s jerking off. I went to bring him some food Monday night after he hadn’t replied to me for 3 days. I was really hurt especially because earlier that week he said we’d spend time together. He wouldn’t even reply to say we weren’t doing that so I had my hopes up and it hurt to be ignored. He eventually replied and just said “Sorry I haven’t felt well”.
Now I knew from the last time that I had been there that he had jerked off 6 times within a 5 day window. I’m assuming it was all over the weekend that he had been ignoring me. Which honestly pissed me off. You feel well enough to jerk off multiple times but can’t send me one fucking text in 3 days? I tried not to lash out at him because I know that’s not healthy or productive or useful in any way. So I just replied “Okay”. Which is out of character for me with him and basically the meanest I could be. I later apologized and told him how and why he hurt my feelings over the weekend. I did not mention the jerk off occurrences because again not useful. I asked if I could stop by to talk for 5-10 mins before he had to go to work. He ended up running late and didn’t have time.
I wanted to talk in person because I tend to get more in my head and upset over text. My feelings were hurt and I wanted to explain it and get some sort of response. The next day he didn’t say anything about me coming over before work so it still hasn’t happened. I mean yes I’m upset and hurt but it’s not incredibly time sensitive.
***I still want to talk to him and I want to explain that’s it seriously fucking hurtful to say you’ll see me, ghost me for 3 days instead, only offer a weak “apology” and shit excuse for doing so, all while I knew you still had the time and energy to jerk off to porn several times. The porn part is an added layer and I don’t know how to word it well. Like you had time to spend on other naked women fantasizing about and desiring them. But not one spare minute for a single text. It’s driving me up a wall explaining this.
Am I being wildly unreasonable to be upset by this? Should I just take the win that at least he’s not having sex with anyone else? I’m trying to be understanding and patient about his work schedule. But I don’t think I’m asking for so much because I want to at least be told that you’re not up to spending time together when you said we would and I don’t want to be ghosted on your days off. Thank you for reading and any help you have for me.