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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/MoonxOwl on 2023-09-20 17:08:56.
Context: I’m 31, with two young boys, a full time 12 hour shift worker, and I’m in a full time doctorate program.
My husband is therefore the primary caregiver many nights, when I’m working. We have full time daycare, during the day, and he works from home.
The other night, we had a date night planned. We were going to go out to dinner, then had plans to go to a bonfire with friends.
We got a sitter. I got all done up. Dinner started great, but hit a sour note when my husband made the comment that he was disappointed we weren’t doing something more exciting. I took it to heart because I was excited for the night we’d planned so I was moody and quiet. We were still in a tiff heading back home to change for the bonfire. When it came time to meet our friends, they said they were finishing dinner/having a drink or two at a nearby restaurant and asked us to join. My husband stated that he’d rather take the time to take a nap, then he’d meet us for the bonfire after. I did say I’d prefer he come with, but he declined. So I went, had one drink, then came back to get him for the bonfire. He’d texted while I was out and said he’d thrown up, but still planned to go with to the bonfire. I got back to pick him up and asked if he still felt up to going to the bonfire and he said no. I asked if he wanted me to pick up the kids from the sitter, early, and get them to bed so he didn’t have to while I was with our friends. His response was, “I don’t care. I don’t really want to go get them.” So I did go pick them up and brought them back and got them to bed. He was still distant, so I left to follow through with the original plans. I was out for 2.5hrs and got home before midnight.
I took care of the kids for him to attend a golf tournament with his two guy friends for 9 hours the following day.
When he got back from golfing, he expressed frustration that I’d left him that night, stating that he’d never leave me when I was sick, and that the point of the night wasn’t to go see friends, it was to spend time together. I explained that I work, nonstop, and to me, getting out of our house, out of routine, and having time to laugh and joke with friends was important. I explained that I would have rather spent the time with him, but he never, at the time, indicated that he wanted the time together, he wasn’t feeling great, and said at the time that he just wanted to go to bed. I had texted him several positive/caring messages while I was out, and got no response.
He encouraged me to make a post on AITA, because he insists that no “good” wife would leave their sick husband to spend time with friends, when the plan was to spend the night together, saying I “ditched” him.
I said he should have expressed to me that the time together was important to him, and not been cold toward me, expecting me to abandon our previously-made plans and sit at home, again, then cover for his golf outing with friends, for nine hours, the following day.