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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/PilotGlittering2169 on 2023-09-20 13:22:17.
I am a 28f, my boyfriend is 29m. We have been together for 3 years and also own a house together. After we bought our property, I was asked by my family and friends when we are likely to be engaged by as we are both in stable jobs, we’re a decent age and have nothing else holding us back. I didn’t really know how to answer them as myself and my boyfriend had never spoken about that topic properly. I then tried to discuss the possibility of marriage with my boyfriend, however he seemed on edge when I asked him and told me that it’s something that would happen in the next few years but it doesn’t need to be discussed as he wants it to be a surprise. I found this quite odd, as surely he would want to know what kind of ring I wanted, how my perfect proposal would look like etc.
Fast forward to this week, we are both on holiday in a lovely location and he takes me to this public rooftop bar which is full of people having drinks and there is a massive “Marry Me?” sign with rose petals and lights. He gets down on one knee whilst these strangers at the bar are gushing and taking videos, and pulls out the ugliest ring I’ve ever seen. I’m sure it’s lovely to some, but silver jewellery doesn’t suit me and its also a really fat bulky diamond that must have cost him a fortune. I’m immediately taken back, start crying and tell him No and run outside of the bar. I’ve never felt more embarrassed in my life, especially amongst all those people. He runs out of the bar too, and starts shouting at me whilst crying, saying he is embarrassed and doesn’t know why I ruined everything.
I’m now back home in our house, but unfortunately he’s told our immediate family and friends that I said no which means he doesn’t know if there is a future for us anymore. I’ve already spoken to him and said that if he had an open and honest conversation with me before the proposal about marriage, he would have known that I would have preferred a quiet and intimate proposal with just the 2 of us, and a dainty/small gold ring. He never bothered to ask me what I wanted and now has to suffer the consequences. He then went onto tell me that if he asked me, I would have known that a proposal was coming and therefore wouldn’t have been surprised and he went with what he thought was special for me. We’re now both in limbo about everything. Am I the asshole?
Edit: I think people are confused. I tried to talk about marriage/proposals/engagement months ago with him, but it always ended up in an argument because he was too uncomfortable talking about it. I put it down to either he just didn’t want to marry me yet and wasn’t ready (which is fine) or genuinely wanted it to be a surprise. I only said no because I had an image of what my perfect proposal would look like and he didn’t bother asking or trying to find out what I wanted, instead it felt like he made it all about him in the name of a “surprise”. I’m sure couples who are about to get engaged would know the sort of ring their partner would want etc…it’s the bare minimum right for such a big moment.