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The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/ark_47 on 2023-09-20 03:42:18.
I want to preface this post by saying that last night I got extremely high. In this new state of thought, I wondered to not only myself, but to my loving girlfriend as well, whether or not a football team or their mascot would be faster. For example, could the Iowa Hawkeyes offense out travel an actual hawk? That one obviously is a no. Just look at that offense! But now today since I am sober enough to type, I wanted to take a deep dive into whether or not any FBS football teams could truly beat out their mascot counterparts. Lets take a look!
So first off was gathering the data. How many yards has each team gained this season? How much total time of possesion has each team had? Roughly, in an hour, how far could each team travel if they were lined up against an offense. Assuming each team is trying their best 100% of the time for 60 minutes, here are the top 15 teams that stood the best chance regardless of their mascot:
| Rank | Team | Total Yards | ToP (Mins) | ToP (Hours) | Yards per Hour |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1st | USC | 1742 | 81.18 | 1.35 | 1287.58 |
| 2nd | USF | 1880 | 89.23 | 1.49 | 1263.87 |
| 3rd | Ole Miss | 1370 | 68.96 | 1.15 | 1191.59 |
| 4th | Washington | 1849 | 95.29 | 1.59 | 1164.15 |
| 5th | UCLA | 1457 | 75.38 | 1.26 | 1159.26 |
| 6th | TCU | 1658 | 89.17 | 1.49 | 1115.26 |
| 7th | Tennessee | 1331 | 74.45 | 1.24 | 1072.29 |
| 8th | Oklahoma | 1606 | 91.49 | 1.52 | 1053.12 |
| 9th | Kentucky | 1211 | 70.78 | 1.18 | 1026.20 |
| 10th | Maryland | 1487 | 87.73 | 1.46 | 1016.62 |
Honestly looking at these potent offenses, im starting to think these teams have a real good shot at taking down their mascots. It’s no suprise to see a few teams up there that have true Heisman hopefuls pushing their offenses along. Can Caleb Williams lead USC over a Trojan? What could Michael Penix and Washington do against one speedi boi of a husky dog? And is it possible to see Lane Kiffin coach up Jaxson Dart enough to prevail over a rebel? err… a bear? Or is it a land…shark? Lets take a look at the fastest mascots at the FBS level shall we?
| Rank | Mascot (Type) | Team(s) | Speed (mph) | Yards per Hour |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1st | Horse | Boise St, Mid. Tenn, Oklahoma, W. Mich | 55 | 96,800 |
| T-2nd | Jaguar | S. Alabama | 50 | 88,000 |
| T-2nd | Lion | Old Dominion | 50 | 88,000 |
| T-2nd | Mountain Lion | Penn St | 50 | 88,000 |
| T-2nd | Panther | FIU, Georgia St, Pitt | 50 | 88,000 |
| T-2nd | Wildcat | Arizona, Kansas St, Kentucky, Northwestern | 50 | 88,000 |
| 7th | Kangaroo | Akron | 43 | 75,680 |
| T-8th | Cougar | BYU, Houston, Wash. St | 40 | 70,400 |
| T-8th | Hawk | Iowa, Kansas, Miami (OH), UL-Monroe, Utah | 40 | 70,400 |
| T-8th | Owl | FAU, Rice, Temple | 40 | 70,400 |
| T-8th | Tiger | Auburn, Clemson, LSU, Memphis, Missouri | 40 | 70,400 |
The 31 teams above have a tall task ahead of them. Unfortunately they picked out the fastest mascots out of all the D1 FBS College Football level. It is definetly safe to say that these teams are in over their head here. Comparing the two tables above, I think it’s safe to say these teams are no match for their costumed compoadres!
So, which teams DO have a chance to win this hypothetical and idiotic comparison? Were there even any? We already know that about 20% of the league couldn’t do it.
| Team | Yards per Hour | Mascot | Yards per Hour |
|---|---|---|---|
| Stanford | 668.14 | A Tree | 0 |
| Syracue | 975.18 | An Orange | 0 |
| Ohio State | 953.06 | Buckeye Tree Seed | 0 |
| Louisiana | 876.58 | Cayenne Pepper | 0 |
| Arizona State | 589.40 | The Devil | 0? |
| Duke | 897.62 | The Devil’s Blue Cousin | 0? |
| Ole Miss | 1,191.59 | A Landshark | 0??? |
Only 1 out of the Top 10 Yards per Hour teams successfully made it past their mascots with Ole Miss claiming victory over a fictional and non-sensicle mascot. Had they faced their two previous mascots they would’ve been doomed though. Both an old rebel (human: 14,080 yards in an hour) and a bear (61,600 yards per hour) easily out pace them for the win.
Stanford, Syracuse, Ohio State, and Luisiana all dusted Mother Natures shot at being a speed demon. And speaking of demon, Google had no answers to how fast the Devil could run. Whatever your beliefs are, I couldn’t gauge a character from a book unfortunately. That means only a mere 7 teams out of 133, or 5.26%, could prove to not only out run, out pace, or dust, but to absolutely go Usain Bolt on their mascots candy asses. Lastly, who were the closest teams to being faster?
| Team | Yars per Hour | Mascot | Yards per Hour | % Way There |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Oregon State | 990.60 | Beaver | 7,040 | 14.07% |
| USC | 1,287.58 | Trojans (Human) | 14,080 | 9.14% |
| UCF | 1,263.87 | Knight (Human) | 14,080 | 8.98% |
| Oregon | 1000.78 | Duck | 12,320 | 8.12% |
| Notre Dame | 1010.46 | Drunk Irish Christian (Human) | 14,080 | 7.18% |
| Texas Tech | 993.07 | Raider (Human) | 14,080 | 7.05% |
| Texas A&M | 911.40 | Farm Hand (Human) | 14,080 | 6.47% |
| TCU | 1,115.26 | Horned Frog | 17,600 | 6.34% |
| Florida State | 891.35 | Seminole Indian (Human) | 14,080 | 6.33% |
| App State | 888.24 | A Fan (Human) | 14,080 | 6.31% |
The state of Oregon had the best shot of winning this exersize as a beaver and a duck wound up as #1 and #2 slowest mascot that can actually move. The next slowest would be a human, which 26 teams share. Alongside side those with the best chance are those with the worst.
| Team | Yards per Hour | Mascot | Yards per Hour | % Way There |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Middle Tennessee | 533.79 | Horse | 96,800 | 0.55% |
| Western Michigan | 585.58 | Horse | 96,800 | 0.60% |
| Pitt | 545.06 | Panther | 88,000 | 0.62% |
| Akron | 476.72 | Kangaroo | 75,680 | 0.63% |
| FAU | 510.79 | Owl | 70,400 | 0.73% |
| Northwestern | 647.30 | Wildcat | 88,000 | 0.74% |
| Boise State | 759.27 | Horse | 96,800 | 0.78% |
| Utah | 568.54 | Hawk | 70,400 | 0.81% |
| BYU | 573.53 | Cougar | 70,400 | 0.81% |
| Southern Miss | 467.29 | Eagle | 56,320 | 0.83% |
If anyone is interested in seeing my dumb spreadsheet for this activity, here you can find it. This was a good waste to a couple hours of my night. I am now starting to feel the effects of some recreational drugs. I am excited for this journey, and I hope you are excited for learning what you have here today. Im sorry.