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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Sof_a_doc_tah on 2023-09-19 22:42:31.
Blunt title yes, but I’m starting to get frustrated. I’m only 23 and so many people, from family to friends, keep bringing up to me children and having kids one day.
To get this out of the way, I’m not trying to be an asshole and hate on women who do have kids. I’m a big believe in you do you and frankly I probably will think your kids are cute! I generally do. I also am not trying to say that being a mom is a bad thing or that you can’t be a mom and work at the same time. I don’t know why saying I don’t want kids makes people assume these are my beliefs. They’re really not. Do what makes you happy, with or without kids.
I haven’t wanted kids for a very long time, and that thought has only grown as I’ve gotten older. To the women who go through it, you are champions, but I am terrified of pregnancy, labor, and after birth health issues. I’ve been sick for most of my life with mental and physical health issues. Not only am I concerned Is pass all that onto a kid, I have no idea how pregnancy will be for me because of them. And again, that girl with the list has the evidence that labor is no easy feat. I’m a more petite, smaller girl, so giving birth already terrifies me.
Also, I don’t think I would be a good mother. I have an amazing boyfriend who is incredibly understanding of all of this, but it does make me sad because I know he wants at least one child and he would make a great dad. He even has said he would gladly be a stay at home dad (another concern is I don’t want to abandon my career for kids). Yet, I grew up in a very messy, unstable household that I’ve only been figuring out in therapy for a year. I want to break the cycle of painful parenting in my family, but it’s scary to try and do that with a child. Maybe my version of breaking the cycle is that it ends with me?
Will add in here, my boyfriend and I have discussed it and have actually worked it out to be on the same page. At the moment, neither one of us wants kids. My boyfriend is definitely more kid leaning, but is willing to give it up especially because he knows 1) how difficult my home life is and 2) I get full autonomy over my body (and he thinks anything but that is ridiculous). He says I shouldn’t have to stress about being pregnant, labor, etcetera. I will mention we haven’t discussed it in depth fully because we are super young and don’t even live together yet (we’re very take it one step at a time), but given the above, he’s very willing to still be with me with or without kids because at the end of the day being with me is what matters to him in the end. And to help, in case I do change my mind - you never know, he has said he is more than open to surrogate or adoption options, as again, it’s my body my choice and he doesn’t want to force me to do something I don’t want to do. Have no fear, we’re on the same page, he knows everything I said above, and loves me for it 🤍
I also won’t finish school until I’m 30. I’m going back to get a doctorate and know it will take up most of my time in my twenties and I won’t truly make money until my thirties (so finances also play a role). I want to enjoy my thirties and finally be free from the stress of school and the next step. …it has been pissing me off that I’m about to go get a literal doctorate and achieve my dream of becoming a scientist and all anyone can talk to me about it that I need to plan ahead or freeze my eggs because I won’t have a lot of time after grad school to get married and have kids before I hit the deadline of 35… No. straight up No. I don’t want to live my life on a schedule with a deadline and I hate that people feel the need to comment and ask me if I’m aware of that? My future is so much more than kids. I met with some friends last week who said once they turn thirty their lives are over because they will have their kids and their husbands and that’s it all is done. I don’t see my life being that way. I’m happy for them but it’s just not for me. I just don’t see myself living my future with kids beside me.
People do call me bitter and an asshole for saying this. I’ve been told I’ll change my mind some day and regret saying this. I’ve been asked if I hate marriage or don’t want to get married either because of this. I disagree with all of that and am putting this here because I hope someone else can relate and that I’m not the only one.
Edit: Will also mention because I saw it in the comments. My mother is not pleased by this openness to not have kids. I am the oldest of 3 girls and have always been confused why she is so annoyed about it because both my sisters are very kid friendly and want kids, even sooner than I would plan on having mine. Why is it a perpetual older child thing to be the model citizen and have kids and what not? I’m a person too.
Further edit: thank you to everyone already responding, my heart is soaring. I’m so fortunate to have found a community here who understands the frustration I’m going through. The people I am surrounded by irl make it impossible to feel this way. I’ve been alienated from female friend groups for having this belief, called anti feminist, etc. As horrible as it is, sometimes I hope the health issues I mentioned earlier make it so that I can’t have kids just so I can stop having to think about having kids. It honestly terrifies me that I could either lose so many relationships or autonomy over my body down the line just over having children. Utterly terrifying.