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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/bffrfarm on 2023-09-19 16:29:52.
One of my (27F) office mates, “Marie” 25F is struggling romantically. She’s constantly complaining to some of our other office mates about how she can’t find anyone, how she’s destined to be alone, how men expect too much of her, etc. At first I empathized with her because early on I also struggled to find my person, but her daily rants got old fast. I don’t choose to listen, but she’s loud so I hear a lot. From what I hear, Marie HAS been on a few dates, but she has a set of standards for romantic partners:
He has to pay on the first date, but she won’t tell him that. In fact she’ll offer to split the bill but if he doesn’t insist on paying there won’t be a second date. He has to make six figures. (Marie does not make more than $60k a year.) He has to be above 6ft (Marie is 5’2.) He can’t be bald/balding. He has to be fit and dedicated in the gym (Marie is overweight and never works out). He has to own a home and a car. He has to pay for everything and do all the cooking and split other chores evenly. The list goes on but you get the idea.
There’s nothing wrong with having high standards, but I think it’s hypocritical to hold men to standards you don’t meet, and then complain and make it everyone else’s problem. I think that at some point you have three options: either improve yourself to attract the type of people you want, lower your standards, or accept that dating is going to be hard for you and you’re going to most likely wind up alone.
I kept my mouth shut about this because I don’t think it’s my place to give Marie advice, especially when I know she won’t take it, but this past weekend my office mates and I all went out for drinks, and Marie got drunk and started the usual complaints. I stayed silent until she singled me out and told me I was so lucky to have my husband and things must be so easy for me. I was caught off guard because I wasn’t used to being singled out like that. And I’ll admit, I was a bit drunk myself. So I said that things weren’t “easy” for me–that I had high standards too. The difference is, I also hold myself to a higher standard. I workout with my husband every day. My husband makes more money than me, but I reciprocate if he does something nice for me, not because he expects me to but because it’s the right thing to do. I said if Marie wants a relationship she should stop living in a fantasy world and either improve HERSELF or lower her standards.
Marie cried and stormed out of the bar with one of her closer friends. I effectively ended the get-together, as everyone went home. I felt a bit guilty until I got a lot of texts from various co-workers thanking me for “putting Marie in her place” and that they’ve always wanted to say something but didn’t have the balls. However, on Monday morning I was notified that someone had reported me to HR. I didn’t have to read the full email to know who it was. Are my actions justified, or do they warrant being reported?