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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/GuiltfreeCheesecake on 2023-09-18 16:06:17.
Not sure if this is the best subreddit for this or not, but really just needed to get this out there. Maybe this is just me grieving for something I had envisioned for myself/my life. My partner is wonderful in so many ways and we have been in talks about beginning a family. I have expressed that I would want to get a dog first, for a number of reasons, such as an incremental level of responsibility and dependency from our two cats before birthing a whole helpless human.
A dog is something I’ve always wanted. My mother was abusive and one of the many messed up ways she hurt me as a kid was giving away my puppy because it wasn’t being housebroken quickly enough. I just came home one day and she was gone. Before I started dating my partner, I had recently lost my soul cat, and had been seriously considering getting a dog because of the void that loss left in me. I ended up fostering a couple cats that I ultimately adopted, because I loved them and because my relationship was becoming serious and given the joint responsibilities that were emerging, he said that his preference was to wait until we had more space. But I was very clear that this was a huge priority to me and something I have always wanted.
Now we’re moving into a 4-bedroom rental house with a small/modest yard, we’re both successful and settled in our careers, and I have raised the issue of a dog. He has shut it down immediately saying we can wait until we own a place with a bigger yard and have kids/when they are old enough to start asking for one/to help play with/take care of it. This has been strangely devastating to me. We don’t know for certain we can even have kids (no known issues but I do have pcos which will probably complicate things somewhat) and I don’t know if I want to wait several years to get a dog that I have told him so many times is a priority for me. And there’s a bigger piece where I feel like why I do I have to wait until hypothetical children want a dog too. What about what I want? When I asked what if I was questioning having children despite really wanting them because I don’t know if I’m ready to be selflessly giving and put my own needs on hold (in general, not just with the dog), because I feel like I give so much in every other area of my life? And he said if that’s how I feel that we need to revisit whether this relationship makes sense.
It’s left me feeling emotionally blackmailed. I feel like my identity is disappearing into children that don’t even exist yet. I have been willing to compromise on the number of children he wants, been willing to give birth to them in his home country, been willing to send them to an international school so they can get the education that he received (and have been learning his language so we can speak it at home), and been supportive of sending them to his parents every summer so they can grow up understanding their culture. But even down to whether or not I get a dog is based upon when these non-existent children would want it and help with it, if he’d even be on board with it then because I’m questioning if this is him just pushing it off - because what am I going to do, leave the father of my children when he says actually never wants a dog?
I feel ridiculous and heartbroken all at the same time and I guess I needed to just get it out there because I feel like I’m grieving and need to let go of something that I always wanted for myself. Thanks for listening.