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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/ButterflyNo5871 on 2023-09-18 12:41:05.
Bit of background: Ex and I split about a year ago, after 15 years of marriage. He cheated, but it was my decision to end it. We have one 13 year old daughter (Emma) together.
Emma struggled a lot with the split, she’s always been a bit of a daddy’s girl so him moving out was very difficult for her. He has her one night per week at his request - he’s “too busy” to see her more.
Ex met his new girlfriend within a few months of us separating. They don’t live together currently. Gf has 4 kids of her own, aged between 3 and 10. He introduced Emma to his Gf approx. 6 months ago. They all seemed to get along fine, everyone was happy.
The problem is that since then, every single time Emma has contact with her dad, Gf and her kids are present. Emma has no issue with the Gf or the kids in general, she likes them and wouldn’t mind seeing them occasionally but she does find the other children “a bit much sometimes” as she is used to being an only child. They do all activities as a family unit because any one on one time would be unfair on the other kids. On top of this, they all stay at his (2 bedroom) place when Emma is there, meaning 5 kids are sleeping in one bedroom. Emma has complained about a lack of privacy, and expressed frustration at having to “share” her dad, when she only gets to see him for just a few hours a week.
I tried to discuss this with my Ex and suggested a gradual transition might be better for everyone, because at the moment all he’s doing is damaging his relationship with Emma and breeding resentment long term. He basically said Emma is spoiled, and I’m bitter and jealous because he has a new family now. He says Emma is the problem because she doesn’t engage in their family life and that she needs to learn she can’t have all of his attention. She will have to fit in with his new family eventually, so the sooner she gets used to it the better. My argument is that he sees his daughter one night per week, which means he has 6 free nights to spend with his “new family” and they’ve been dating 6 months ish, they don’t live together yet so no need to force family time. Plus it’s been less than a year since we split and I think Emma just needs a bit more time to adjust to such a massive life change.
It’s now at the point where Emma doesn’t want to go to his at all, and to be honest I don’t want to make her. Obviously if her dad was willing to listen to her concerns/consider her feelings then I would encourage her to go but he’s made it clear he’s not going to. We don’t have any formal custody agreement in place but Ex will most definitely blame me if she doesn’t go and I know he’ll say she’s too young to make this decision, it’s my responsibility to ensure she sees him etc. So AITA?