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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Good_Sort7315 on 2023-09-18 06:58:55.
UPDATE: AITA for “hiding” my saving from my fiancé
My fiancé and I have spent the last week talking a lot about this. We started talking about it the day after my post. There was actually a lot to talk about, because she had a lot of thoughts and feelings.
When we started talking I told her about the post very quickly. She was initially put out by me making the post but after I explained that it was more for me to make sure I hadn’t done something egregiously wrong and let her read through it at her own pace she was more okay with it. Though I did warn her that a lot of the comments were making wild assumptions about her.
After she’d read through my post, a few comments and my replies we talked about it a little. The main thing we talked about from the post was the silent treatment. She was very apologetic, and let me know that it wasn’t her intention to be giving the silent treatment but can absolutely see that it would feel like that to me. She said that she was just struggling to parse through a lot of thoughts and emotions.
Like I said in a comment, a big part of where our communication broke down was my flippancy when it came to helping her with money previously. To me it was showing that I was able to do it without hurting myself financially. To her it was me trying to stop her from worrying. Without the information I had I can definitely see how she thought that. She had always just assumed I was only doing a little better than her.
There was also a little bit of feeling bad about herself because of this. She’s 26 and felt like because I was younger and had so much more she had failed. I reassured her that it wasn’t a reflection on her and that I had just been very lucky. She asked me how I got the money, and said that she was also concerned I had done something illegal to make it. I broke down how I saved the money in detail for her.
She also expressed that she had already felt unworthy of me because I “do so much for her”. I reassured her that I did things for her because I loved her, and that hadn’t changed. I also explained everything she does for me and how to me I feel like she does so much more for me.
She was also worried about the power dynamic that this created. I reassured her that I didn’t see us as any different and that what was mine, I viewed as hers.
She also said she was worried about what else I was hiding from her, and I reassured her that I wasn’t hiding anything. I told her she was free to look through anything of mine anytime she wanted. She told me it wasn’t necessary and that it was an emotional concern not actual distrust.
Obviously a week of reassurance isn’t going to solve a lot of these emotions. We both already go to therapy separately and she is planning on bringing up a lot of this to her therapist by herself. We also decided that couples therapy would be a good idea. Not to repair our relationship because neither of us think it’s broken, but to strengthen it and allow us to talk about the ways to most effectively communicate with each other.