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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/gfproblemsthrowaway2 on 2023-09-17 22:24:39.
This whole thing started with two of my best friends marrying each other. The friends Chris and Zara are from different religions and cultures. Zara has Indian muslim heritage. Me and Chris are both white English.
As they are planning their wedding I asked Zara why she’s not having a big fat Indian wedding and getting married in the English way as I was excited to go to one. Zara explained that she chose the wedding venue to be the church as Chris grew up in the parish and that as muslim women couldn’t marry out of the faith she thought having a huge Indian affair was superflous.
I asked her to explain and she said muslim women are not allowed to marry men outside of the faith and that she didn’t want to do any pre-wedding rituals only to have a civil ceremony.
So far, so good right? Her wedding, her choice right. Now, my issue is that my fiancee is a Tamil Muslim woman as well. Our wedding is in December, we were thinking of having a New Year’s eve wedding. And it’s being done the traditional way.
I asked my fiancee Zee about this as I was confused about what Zara had said. And then she told me the truth. She said that Zara isn’t wrong, that muslim women indeed cannot marry out of the faith and that the priests don’t usually legalize such a ceremony. I asked her how are we getting married then since we’re having a traditional “Nikah” ceremony.
And then she tells me the truth! Zee just says “Well you’ll have to convert, but don’t worry it’s just for posterity’s sake”? Lol what?
At this point I’m shocked. I have been lied to and basically being led to a farce in the name of marriage? And the worst part is that Zee was like “What’s the big deal?”. Apparently I just have to recite the religions prayer and then I’ll become muslim in name and can marry her.
She wants me to then go around pretending it never happened (unless it’s in front of her family of course).
Now this caused the worst fight of our lives. I told her she’s basically cheating me by doing this not telling me beforehand. She still maintains that it’s not a big deal. I ask her why couldn’t we just had a civil ceremony instead of this. Zee says she didn’t want to ruffle feathers in her family by doing this that me converting “for name’s sake” at the Nikah was “easier”. And now I’ve packed up my shit for the week and left home to live with a friend.
I haven’t been picking up her calls. A few “strongly worded” text messages were exchanged.
Zara has been telling me that I should give it another chance as her family might be very strict and she might find it difficult to stand up to them and that basically ghosting Zee and flying off the handle on her was wrong. Although she does admit that lying to me wasn’t very cool.
I’m devastated. I don’t know if I’m an asshole now as I think I should at least have heard what Zee wanted to say and that maybe not communicating is a bad thing. But another part of me can’t get over the betrayal! She completely lied to me!!
So reddit, AITA?