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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/3trenchcoatminions on 2023-09-15 19:54:16.
My (28M) sister (24F) is getting married at the end of this month on the same day as my child’s first birthday party. My wife scheduled it for this day because it’s the only day certain family on her side can come. She also locked this date in before we knew her wedding would be then.
My sister and I aren’t close, but last year I had a major fallout with my parents and am not on speaking terms with them. My parents have also never met my child. I made a point to sit down with my sister last year while I was having problems with my parents to make sure she knew I didn’t have a problem with her. Since then she’s still kept me updated about major points in her life. She started dating the guy last September, he proposed in April.
I had never met her fiance when he proposed (I haven’t been attending any family gatherings), so in May my sister asked if we could all go out to lunch. The whole thing was pretty normal first meeting type stuff, but otherwise not unpleasant. About halfway through her fiance got up to go to the restroom, and my sister asked if there was any chance that our parents could meet my child. I said that I didn’t want to discuss that at that time. She got very quiet and we tried to move on to other topics. She then asked if we would be going to her wedding.
At this point I had already been feeling conflicted about it, because I didn’t want to be the cause of any drama at her wedding. My wife said that she was sorry but we had already planned our child’s birthday for that day, so it wouldn’t work. My sister seemed upset but let it go and we awkwardly finished lunch and left. My wife pointed out that it felt to her like the whole thing was just out of obligation and that it seemed like my sister just wanted to ask those questions and the rest was normal fluff. She also pointed out that my sister basically ignored our child the whole time other than saying how big they’ve gotten (which is very out of character for her, she loves babies). I felt like I wanted to explain that I don’t want to stir the pot and that I don’t trust my parents to not do that if I show up, but since she seemed upset I figured I should give her space.
The next time I saw my sister and her fiance was at my youngest siblings baptism in July (I went by myself since my youngest brother specifically asked me to come), and all they said was “Hi, nice to see you” before walking away. Since then my sister hasn’t spoken to me at all, so I feel like I’ve offended her. I feel like an AH for not at least trying to go for a little and support her.
I’ve also been trying to decide if I should get them a gift or if that would complicate things. I know I feel guilty any time I find something my parents have given me, and I’ve even had to make myself get rid of some of the wedding gifts they gave us because I get too many mixed feeling. I don’t want to put her in a similar position, but I feel like an AH for not doing something for them or at least explaining myself.