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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/coveritupman on 2023-09-14 19:18:38.
He’s not technically my step-son because his dad and I aren’t married, but my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and his bio mom isn’t in his life. To make a long story short, my father freaked out and completely cut me off when I started transitioning in my teens. I was very upset at him for a long time, but I’ve always wanted a relationship with him. When he reached out to me, I was especially happy to hear him apologize about specific things he said to me, so I want to clarify, I really want to make this work. It’s part of why I invited him to his birthday.
My father has a tattoo on his arm of a bound and gagged woman. I’m not a prude, but he wore a muscle shirt to the birthday party and it was fully visible. I’ve never seen him wear a muscle shirt since we reconnected, I didn’t think that he’d show it at all. My boyfriend and I had the same reaction to it. We both agreed it was totally inappropriate for a party for a seven-year-old!
He brought a jean jacket, so I asked him if he could just keep it on. He said it was too hot for him to wear it inside, and he told me it’s just artistic nudity. To me, it’s not just a naked figure, which is fine, but it’s sexual because she’s bound and gagged. He said there’s no sex act taking place and no visible genitalia (just bare breasts), and basically said “he’ll live.” Then he made this joke saying maybe I would’ve turned out differently if he had this tattoo when I was growing up. It was definitely a joke, and I actually don’t mind jokes about how non-masculine I am or how I’m not attracted to women because they’re both true and I can take a good joke at my expense. What annoyed me is that I was trying to express how I felt and he went into comedian mode.
I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere with him, so I told my boyfriend that, and my boyfriend approached him. This really bothered my father, and he said that if I wouldn’t stick up for him, he’d leave. I told him that all he has to do is put on a jacket and it doesn’t have to be a big deal. He left.
My father hasn’t responded to any of my attempts to talk with him since. I’ve been really second-guessing how I approached this. I really don’t have a problem with artistic nudity. If it was the Birth of Venus tattooed to him, I wouldn’t care, it’s the sexual part. My mom agreed that it was completely inappropriate, but I asked one of my friends who’s into BDSM, and she said that kink isn’t necessarily sexual and my “over-the-top” response is prejudice against people who practice BDSM. She said that my boyfriend and I were definitely influenced by subconscious bias as a pretty vanilla couple, and she said she agreed with what my dad said about no genitalia or sex act occurring in the tattoo.
What makes me feel the most like an asshole is that I want him in my life. I’ve been telling him that. And now he’s pulled away even more, and my actions are what led to that. It’s really been weighing on me, and I’d appreciate any responses. Thank you.