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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Cthulhulululul on 2023-09-14 15:26:04.
I grew up with this idea that anyone with a vagina could be a parent and that not being a good parent some how made you less of a women.
Which, now, as an adult I have come to realize that very few people are actually suited for parenting.
To be a good parent, there is a certain level of selfishness and being able to find joy in the happiness of others that is required for it to work out for all parties involved.
Those requirements are just for the women but both adults, whatever their combo of genders may be. Yet as a society we still push parenthood as a given right, as something needed to have a fulfilling life.
All this has seems to create is a bunch of miserable people who are now responsible for raising and caring for other human beings who now also have to lie about how great of an experience it is. But it isn’t great for a lot of people, a lot of people will never admit how much they hate it. Personally, I think not being honest here just condemns a whole other generation of people from making similar mistakes.
My mother was a god awful mom, she was also on the spectrum before it was popular to actually diagnose adult women with autism. Idk if it’s due to my own neurodivergence or just the clear risk of having people assume happiness resulting in the same mistake, or maybe I just don’t look at things the way other do but I never took me being a mistake or a surprise as she so kindly put it as her not loving me. It think that people deserve honesty and humility from their parents.
Obviously not when their children, but it’s kind of egotistical to believe your existence is the best thing that every happened to someone or on the flip side being devastated when it isn’t even if that person shows you love and takes care of you.
I just believe that as a society we really need to paint a much clearer picture of the levels of self sacrifice, patiences, and empathy needed to actually be good at and find joy in raising other people to be functional happy people who contribute positively to society. Obviously we can’t completely control that, no amount good parenting fixing naturally occurring mental illness, but good parenting may help provide the coping skills to help deal in some cases. My point is it’s not gonna hurt or make the outcomes worse.
We also need to push the need for readiness and certainty on both potential partners involved in the decision. The fact the fathers readiness isn’t even often a consideration directly contributes to the unequal mental load involved in wife and motherhood.
Which as a nation where the old rich guys running the country has hands down decided that the ability to reproduce is enough of a prerequisite to do so is both horrifying in the context that we are raising actual living people and that isn’t easy nor is everyone mentally or fiscally capable of doing it. Which we shouldn’t push them or anyone to be. This shouldn’t be just a thing that happens to you, it needs to be a heavily considered choice or it shouldn’t happen.
Otherwise we’re just punishing people with kids they don’t want or can’t take care of because they didn’t know that no, I don’t want this was even an option.