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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Aware_Astronaut4082 on 2023-09-13 21:57:22.
Dave and I have been friends since we were kids. In college we made the dumb decision to have a threesome with another person. We decided that was a one time thing, we aren’t compatible for more than friends.
When I started seeing my partner, Al, I was honest about it. I felt it was important for my partner to know. Dave and Al became good friends. We even helped Dave with OLD and finding his gf. I met his gf, Han, and it went great. She seemed like a wonderful match for Dave. We got closer, we even planned Dave’s bday party together.
I posted this bit before, but later Dave dropped the bomb on me that he never told Han! I felt like he betrayed his gf and set me up for failure. I knew she would not take the info well, especially since he kept it for so long. I told him that it was important that she knew.
Later that night they announced they were ENGAGED! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I got a lot of advice when I posted, don’t tell her, it’s not your place, tell her, etc. I was overwhelmed, I had relatives pass while also trying to manage after my bf lost his job. I didn’t have the capacity to deal.
Han asked me to be bridesmaid. It meant a lot. I wanted to be there. I would be the only person in our group who would have said no if I did. I said yes. I bought the outfit she wanted, spending $400+ on the entire thing.
2 weeks before big day Dave called. He said “I told Han what happened in college” like it wasn’t something he actively participated in. They had decided I shouldn’t be in the wedding party. Instead I was to buy a different dress. My bf was still a groomsmen. They said it “wasn’t proper” for someone “like me” to be a bridesmaid. They wanted me by myself while the rest of our friends would be up at the altar
I said it was their decision, but that also meant I wouldn’t go. They wanted me to spend even more money I didn’t have. I hung up, Han called me back. She said “Fine, you can still be a bridesmaid.” I replied that I wasn’t interested. It was sooo important, but after doing it she changed her mind in less than 10 mins. I hung up, she called again. I said I wanted to be alone. She apologized and we hung up. She immediately texted me to tell her what I decided.
We didn’t go and it was noticed. I was the “bff” but me and my bf weren’t at the wedding. When asked they’d say “It’s Dave’s fault but we are giving her space” which only raised more questions. Then it was “If you want to know ask her” so then I had people harassing me trying to figure it out.
I only spoke to them when I demanded my money back. They scrutinized the amount. Friends had to convince them and I did get it back. I still get asked why didn’t I go, why did I ask for the money back. IDK, I felt like they threw me under the bus to solve the “problem.” I know some people were upset I didn’t go. Honestly I feel bad for Han.
Maybe I should have still gone but I felt unwanted and maybe I shouldn’t have asked for the money. AITA for not going attending and asking for my money back?